Accepting Myself Because of TTWD

It’s interesting what prompts one’s mind to write something.  I was trying to explain to someone the other day, that I can’t sit down and make up a post.  It either comes to me or it doesn’t.  Sometimes it begins and then vanishes as the day goes on.  I’d make a horrible author, that’s all I know. 

So what was my muse today? Something that has been in my head for a while, I just haven’t given it oxygen to grow- my submission and what this thing we do really does for me or means to me more accurately.  I’ve given bits and pieces of my thoughts over several blogs in the last couple of months.  Some interesting discussions have happened, and some out and out shutdowns occurred too.  LOL. I feel I may have already written about this a couple of years ago however.

For years I have read about and participated in many areas concerning ttwd and accountability.  What I am about to say no means is a criticism of anyone’s mindset or needs/desires. Accountability as a whole picture was never a good fit for me where Dd /D/s was concerned.  

Sure, that was the initial foray into ttwd for us, but it didn’t quite gel.  No doubt we had to go through that type dynamic in order to settle to where we are (or should be *wink*) now.  I’m not going to bore you with history and who I am or was like back then.  I will say that basically being punished was never about a clean slate for me, or even feeling remorseful because of it.  It was never a deterrent, and that isn’t a slag on Barney’s punishments.  Though, looking back I know it certainly appeared that way.

Somewhere along the way, ttwd became about acceptance.  The acceptance of me and my need.  Punishments were there for various reasons, so B could let it go being one of them.  Of course at the start of all of this, he didn’t feel that way.  At the start the reluctant punishment was something he ‘just had to do’.  For me punishments were an exclamation point to his convictions .Odd thing to say right after I said he did them because he had to isn’t it? That’s how confusing it all was back then for me.  I felt like he did it because he had to, yet I ALSO felt that it was his way of showing me that he meant it.  Of course I probably read too much into that at the time- which no doubt contributed to a LOT of misunderstandings, which led to hurt feelings and frustrations for all.

For years now, punishments have meant something different.  Now they mean that B will not accept anything other than my submissive self.  They still aren’t a deterrent, mostly because I tend to break rules when I am emotional not because I forget or don’t care.  Well truthfully at the time I don’t care- because I’m emotional. LOL.   By him choosing to punish me for broken rules, which can range from disrespect to not asking for something, he is actually telling me that he sees I am not who he wants me to be.  This is not a Stepford Wife type thing, it is actually about accepting my authentic self.  If he accepts me as a submissive, he won’t accept me as NOT one.  This in turn makes it easier for me to accept myself.  

 So why not just live that way if it is my ‘authentic self’ ?  Good question.  For a long. long time, I did.  I actually probably ‘over submitted’ in many ways, and I did so with less consistency than Barney has shown since.  Somewhere along the line something changed, and I will write about that soon, ( I hope, I still haven’t written about the darn yo yo so don’t hold your breath LOL). Suffice to say, moving slightly to the right of my authentic self is a protection method that doesn’t work out well.  It causes confusion for B and further hurt and loneliness for me. Loneliness because I miss myself and my willingness to connect on a deeper level.

In case you didn’t already know, there is no real ‘arrival’ in Ttwd.  

It does fluctuate.  Life throws curve balls, illness, pandemics, job loss, momentary loss of sanity, menopause, MAN-o-pause.   Perhaps one person grows, and the other lags behind? Whatever the reason, it can cause a different type of disfunction or hurt, or coping mechanisms.  Perhaps we tell ourselves things we believe we need to to get by- and eventually if left unchecked we can find ourselves a little further away then we’d like to be from our little Struggling Utopia that we were constructing. 

B obviously has his own reasons for wanting a D/s lifestyle, and they have changed considerably since we started this back in 2012. Maybe some day I can convince him to share what he has discovered or what he ‘gets’ from ttwd now, beyond fulfilling a need for his wife. Basically,  back then he tried this because I asked him to. I didn’t even realize it was a need.  I explained that apparently it brought a closer connection to those who did it, and that is what I wanted most of all.

  We had a difficult time on the onset creating rules ( and yes I said we- that changed to HIM toward the end of the first 6 months) because he couldn’t think of anything he wanted to change. I know right? What a perfect wifey I must have been.  And in truth in many ways I was better on the surface than I am now.  I did my thing, made sure he was taken care of and  I RARELY swore (oh man has that changed.  Nothing like a good F bomb when one is ‘inspired’).  It was difficult to find where we could incorporate Dd rules into our dynamic, until he discovered DISTANCING.  Oh boy, yeah that was a challenge for me- also because he was so used to me distancing, that it was difficult for him to spot.  Anyway, rules weren’t a big portion of our dynamic, but resets were.  It was through these that I discovered I could let down my guard and surrender to him.  In a way they supersized my submission, which often caused more issues- I kid you not.  BUT the discovery was made and from that things began to grow.   Unfortunately so did the emotional risk, apparently for both of us. That however is for another post. 

Moving Over

This isn’t actually my first blog post, but it is my first WordPress one. B and I have been married for over 20 years. About 8 years ago I started blogging on Barney Married Wilma. I loved blogging the first few years. I still love writing and sharing, however it would appear I no longer am ‘like minded’ for much of that corner. My hope is that B and I can find a new home on WordPress to exchange thoughts, process and discuss our ever evolving, and sometimes devolving D/s lives.

Moving Toward to Deep Submissive Feelings ..then Wham! (But why?)

 Things used to be different, very different around here.  Despite what my husband believes I am not trying to romanticize the past.  We have had our struggles within the context of D/s and we have had our struggles in so many other aspects of our lives as well- I suspect the latter, especially now, is more comment than not with many these days. So I bought a dating book.

Can I blame the pandemic? In part, perhaps a bigger part than I am willing to admit as I do not work outside of our home and B works directly with the public.  Perhaps it is my ever fluctuating hormonal levels due to the slow transition into my father that has been occurring due to my age? But perhaps it is history repeating itself over and over again eroding trust and creating barriers that I had long thought were gone, or worse solidifying new ones for B?  Of course the simple answer would be to just plow through, and there is definitely merit to that- a great deal of merit.  However while plunging through may give instant results on the surface, the underlying issues that cause disconnect or confusion can still remain.   I discovered long ago I  need to know why I react or feel a certain way about something.  Trust me I truly wish I could just go with the flow and ride the wave to a better place not looking back- to me that seems most idealistic.

A little back story, years ago I used to be what I refer to as a ‘runner’.  Sadly, not in the ACTUAL, physical sense. I would run from my emotions.  I perfected it actually.  When I was a kid and well into my teens, my eyes would well up at even the slightest hint of a a serious conversation, especially with my Dad.  Anyway I won’t bore you with details, but tears were my deal, happy, angry, worried,  relieved, everything but sadness for some odd reason.  I trained myself to stop that.  Insert ttwd and for the first couple of years all of those tears I trained myself to hide came pouring out.  I know this isn’t unusual for those in the lifestyle.  Emotions take on an entirely new life of their own once we start.

Eventually life evened out and not only did I embrace certain emotions I flourished because of them.  It was during this time I wrote a post entitled Fear.  I mention this post because in it I write about The Core Gift Theory and I find myself with a greater understanding of it’s premise now than I did before.  While I wish I felt like I did when I wrote that post- in fact I’d give ANYTHING to feel that again, I know we have work to do in order for me to get there again. 

 I have a tendency to make my posts rather long so please forgive me for not explaining the above paragraph more and boldly suggesting you read it if you are curious so I can hopefully get to my point sooner- though no guarantees.  

So why did I buy a dating book? You can never be too prepared for the future and it’s options.  I’m kidding.  I bought it because I reread my old post discussing my Core Gift and the bullseye theory.  The Fear post basically talks about how I feel when I’m on the bullseye which is a wonderful idea, but currently I am not there and the dating book discusses how or why we react to not being there.  I needed to know and more importantly I think I needed B to know why I react to things the way I do.  Initially I believe that is why I bought the book, but now I need to know why so that I can accept it and not feel ashamed.  Let me  see if I can explain a bit better.  

The book I purchased after clicking along further on the Psychology Today blog when rereading my old post .I’m not saying necessarily that my Core Gift is my submission.  I actually haven’t finished the book or the work that goes along with it to determine what my core ‘gifts’ are.  What I can tell you is that through submission my core gifts, whatever they may be, are exposed. 

 

What does this have to do with submission if I am not sure submission it’s self is my core gift?  It has to do with how I react when my submission is brought to the surface.  A quote that resonated with me  was,

 “ our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts

( I’m too many years out of school to cite this reference, or numerous ones coming properly so forgive me plagiarism police).

When I am feeling like I am moving toward my submissive self in anyway, I can also feel the most hurt if something happens to pull me back from that direction.  I could argue that it should take me a long time to feel that deep hurt if I am longing to go into that direction, and for years it really did.  I set my track to my core and did everything and anything to try to keep my mind and heart focused on that area.  But life has a way of wearing you down at times and sadly I can say I haven’t been as resilient as I had hoped lately.

Along with things within our house that toyed with my journey, I would say that other things have played a huge part.  The book goes on to discuss how when we are in or near our Core, we attract like minded people and they are drawn to us as we are to them.  In a submissive context I can most certainly say this was without a doubt true for me. 

 I used to believe that my submissive/Dom friends augmented our dynamic through discussion when our dynamic slowed or struggled, and in part that is true, however I now view it differently.  Those relationships  more augmented me not my dynamic.  Their acceptance of my authentic self, not one I presented to others but who I really was, helped me stay closer to that self.  And I know the reverse was also true.  It was more than just believing in me when I couldn’t, it was feeling me when I became too afraid to feel and wanted to run to the outer circles away from my core. 

” When someone recognizes our gifts, those gifts are given licence to come alive, to become generous, expressive and brave. The truth is, we need each other in order to grow- learn” ( pg 9)

 I still have these friendships, it has just ‘been a year’ for everyone.  The conversations and revelations have been far different due to many distractions and lack of emotional energy because of them.  So a deep part of me feels like it has been on pause ( again why I became interested in this book to begin with).

What is it that I need B to understand, and what do I need to acknowledge so I can push past and recreate?   There is another zone outside of my core, Ken Page  calls this The Zone of Protection.  He goes on to say that while being in or closer to our core, we often ‘set up shop’ here.  It is a place where we can feel the heat of our core, but not be burned by it.  I’d definitely say I have been setting up shop here more and more over the past year, but thankfully haven’t moved into the furthest zone from my core.  Page explains:

“When our core gifts are touched, our reactions have a greater charge than usual, we may feel deeply inspired, highly emotional or surprisingly hurt”  

And as a result to being surprisingly hurt or highly emotional I leave my core area or my approaching journey toward it, usually by way of distancing followed by some sort of meltdown (I’m not proud, just honest )

In your relationships, you may become prone to becoming angry or distant, when you feel wounded around your Core Gifts. When you feel inspiration, validation, and acceptance around them you will shine” ( pg 38)

I feel a sense of loss when my submission is engaged,   and step 2 tends to be missing, or timely. 

 I shall give an example as opposed to just quoting this entire book.  Not too long ago B decided to use ice as a way for me to engage my submission.  He placed it in the usual spots, and it burned (not all sexual spots by the way) and then for whatever reason, he ran it all over my face, and lips. Again this was not a sexual thing.  For some reason, at the time unknown to me it deeply affected me.  When I start to become engaged in a significant way toward my submission, or my defenses/walls come down for those who don’t identify with the word, I tend to go very quiet for a while  especially later. B ,out of frustration not long after brought up how I was ‘not reacting’ to him.  He did not remember that as contradictory as it may be, me not reacting is actually me reacting in a very significant way. I felt crushed for many reasons.  Prior to his comment, I had so many things inside I needed to share and wanted to talk to him about- why it seemed so odd for me and what I had discovered.  Instead, that vanished.  The thoughts were there but the feeling of giving every last aspect of myself over to him was gone.

” Core Gifts are often things we are ashamed of – try to fix or hide”

“Also the place we love from most fully”

…and THIS

most of us have had minor or major “car crashes” around our gifts, because our deepest immaturities and greatest points of dysfunction usually surround these gifts. Without a good deal of hard work, we will keep making the same two basic mistakes around our Core Gifts: suppressing them or acting out (expressing them in ways that are harmful to ourselves and others) in connection with them. Whenever a gift hasn’t had a chance to mature, there will be a lack of grace in the way we express it, usually shown in behavior that is overly aggressive or unnecessarily timid.

“Our tears are a great gift because they reveal what matters most to us”

My take away from this is that my closing up isn’t a complete failure to accessing my core it is a sign that we are definitely on our way there, it is just that pushing on has stopped. I have to relearn some of my responses and trust that things will be fine despite what I feel in that moment. I have to push aside the fear and the insecurity and stop distancing and moving away from my core. It is far different now than it was years ago when I first wrote my post on Fear. Back then I had been in the centre of the bullseye and stayed very close to it. Sometimes it is worse to dip your toes in the water and then be pushed back up on shore. The same must be true for B. There was a time he stood solid where he was, even if he believed it was briefly- we differ in our memories here.

The solution? To acknowledge why it happens, when it happens but more importantly to try to stay in the good zone mentally and emotionally longer and longer each time. Ken Page claims, 

” These moments are more than merely moments, they actually portals” going on to say the more time we enter them the more our ability…”

I often look back, as I’m sure many do, at how wonderful an experience was for me, due to where I felt after. Sadly sometimes, almost like a sub drop, I crashed after and exploded eventually revealing the complete opposite to B. His take away then became that complete opposite not the amazing transformation occurring within me- and perhaps diminishing or rewriting his own experience. Those are times I sincerely regret and hope that we can learn to adjust to in the future.
We have been discussing this in segments as there is a lot to digest while working with this book.   If you are curious the book is called
  Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and  called Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy
Book by Ken Page

Continuity- The Best C- word (for us)

I know I said in my last post that it was sort of a precursor to another post, The Yo-yo of Ttwd ( working title LOL), and it will be. However, my mind is preoccupied and that particular post in no longer in the forefront of it. Seeing how I haven’t written in soooo long, aside from novels on other people’s posts, I don’t think I have the capability to force a post out. When I started blogging, and for many years the posts just popped into my head, and would reside there until I typed them out. I think I’m out of practice. lol

Speaking of when I started blogging, or rather ttwd ( which are one in the same ), the word consistency was written about everywhere-that and the dreaded OTHER C-word, *communication*. Both very valid words to live by, with the Dom and the sub holding up their part by being consistent and communicating with each other. But as we have clicked along, more further away from a strictly Dd dynamic, I noticed another C-word, ( still not that one) popping into our lives, Continuity. Years ago I wrote a post (Moving from Supporting to Cultivating Submission) . In it I tried to describe how we morphed to proactive, from mostly reactive within our dynamic.. I suppose this post is a little along that line and why continuity is every bit as important if not MORE so in our dynamic now than consistency.

No doubt everyone recognizes consistency is the best way to achieve success in this dynamic, especially when one first starts out. It definitely forms a foundation from which to build up on. It creates a security and believability that both parties genuinely want this. In many ways it is the push that has both partners taking great strides along their dynamic’s pathway. I also know it is an area we have struggled mightily in. Even today, ESPECIALLY today with a pandemic raging and natural disasters, on top of all the normal every day goings on, consistency can be a challenge. Emotional exhaustion can take it’s toll on consistency for some. That being said, a good foundation of consistency can allow the dynamic to coast a long for a good while without it, each realizing that when things slow down, it will return to normal. With that bit of preachiness out of the way, I want to explain to you my view on the value of continuity in our dynamic

Because I think in images, and analyze in analogies, I view continuity like a Dot to Dot picture. Depending on where we are in our dynamic, and I don’t mean experience wise, I mean mentally and emotionally, the Dot to Dot diagram can either appear:

Simple



Or stupidly complex





So what exactly does this mean? I view each ‘act’ done by either myself or Barney as a dot on the page toward creating a picture that we both long to see within our relationship dynamic. These are tangible thing we can both see, and experience.


For this analogy I am going to stick with acts that Barney has brought forth. Let’s use an overly simple and fictitious example of placing dots during a day.


1) I wake up to a communication on my phone from B telling me what he expects me to do in the morning before he gets up – (dot)

2) When he gets up he tells me to assume some position for him while his coffee brews (dot)
( I always get his coffee set up and serve it to him, so there is no dot for that, but perhaps a pre-drawn line to the next dot. That being said, if he decides that day to get his own coffee, it can erase the line for me)

3) We enter the living room to have a discussion, in which he reminds me to sit in a certain place and way ( two dots close together because the sitting is a protocol but his words and reminders help place the dot)

4) After there are specific instructions on what to do (dot)

5)Following rituals he has set out, and/or calling out misbehaviour or slip ups on my part- perhaps leaving the room without asking first (dot)

6) Some role affirmation- could be holding a painful position, could be pain, could be sexual service ( dot)

7) B making sure his instructions are being followed throughout the day while he is home, or limiting my time, space (dot)

8) Instructions for when he is at work – perhaps a writing exercise or another submissive exercise, ( holding a position while reflecting on something for a certain amount of time let’s say – or computer / electronic device denial or approval) (dot)

9) Following specific routines for bedtime or his return home (dot)



Those dots look heavy for poor Barney

All of these dots are placed and ideally lead to the full picture of submission/dominance within our dynamic. But let’s say only ‘one’ dot is placed, or 3 but hours upon hours apart? What then? Well the latter depends on the day, but the former merely creates a pocket of D/s. A moment in time. Some days this has to suffice because life isn’t perfect These are just examples there are many subtilties that help move that pencil along from dot to dot during the day, but for the most part without feeling each others presence throughout the day, or week, the picture is not created. It feels more like situational D/s, which in time can lead to feeling like it’s a game or worse not worth the effort for me. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you the problems that can occur when you feel like your dynamic is losing ground, especially if only one feels that way.

B may not need all the dots in order to see (feel) the big picture, or vice versa . Often he can place a few dots and believes he sees the finished product. Unfortunately for me that isn’t always the case. I need the little dots to allow myself to believe the picture is actually what he sees.


Sounds like a lot of work for B doesn’t it? And perhaps you’re correct in seeing it that way. However, in this analogy I would say that my submission is the pencil that follows the dots along. A missed dot can halt the forward progress, or my submission can move forward to a dot further along creating a less than perfect line for the picture, but a line nevertheless. My lack of submission can also remove an intended dot on the page. This may destroy the picture all together.




My long winded analogy is to say at this point in our dynamic, more than the consistency of reacting to my actions or lack thereof,  we,* I* need continuity. It allows me to feel his dominance and control. By linking the pieces of the day together it emphasizes the big picture of our dynamic in a way that feels more authentic to me. A feeling of authenticity allows my submission to feel less guarded and accepted by both of us. He feels successful and at peace with his dominance and I feel freedom and acceptance in my submission.

With that we create our complete picture.


        Sounds simple enough doesn’t it?

                                 Pfft!




Trust me there are still a lot of days like this one


                                Lol!

Continue reading “Continuity- The Best C- word (for us)”

By The Water’s Edge

A few years ago we went on a family vacation. On the second last day I was left, by choice, for a couple of hours by the water. For whatever reason I sat down an\n some inexplicable reason I NEED to be here. I release my shell by the shore. It goes far deeper than just \’my happy place\’. My soul is called to be here. (okay there goes the risk of being considered marginally insane).d wrote…THIS…LOL . I didn’t post it because not long after I wrote it things felt like they came crashing down around me/us. I’m posting today for various reasons

I might try my hand at writing again?

AND

If I do try, this post could be the perfect set up for what I have in my mind concerning the yoyo factor that comes with ttwd.

So, as the old saying goes…….ON WITH THE SHOW.


By The Water’s Edge


I haven’t a clue why I’m drawn to he shores of Lake Ontario. The home I grew up in was mere blocks from a respectfully large lake in its own right, yet I am drawn to these shores. If I were not afraid of being pegged as a marginally insane person, I would claim I am more than just drawn here, for
some inexplicable reason I NEED to be here. I release my shell by the shore. It goes far deeper than just ‘my happy place’. My soul is called to be here. (okay there goes the risk of being considered marginally insane).


I am not a person who can let go of my mind, lose it absolutely, but quiet it? Not so much. It goes beyond the varying shades of turquoise and blues, my draw here. It goes beyond the amazing pebbles and rocks I can pick through and touch. Though, both of these play a key part no doubt. I am equally visual and tactile. I have been known to leave places because I find them visually disturbing. I have also retracted my hand from a piece of clothing like I have been burnt because I could not tolerate the way the fabric felt between my fingers.



Here, here I am drawn to the rocks. I marvel at their diversity, how they change with the water. I examine fossils found within them, question how they became broken or how the water had such tremendous force that they have become smooth. Yet there is more to it than that.










For an hour today, when I had intended on reading by the water’s edge, I sat and watched the waves crest, and crash. I watched as the water turned from blue, to green, to white as it folded over. I watched the waves collide with each other, lost in thought. Lost in thought but extremely calm and at peace. I felt at one with myself, which I realize must sound absolutely ridiculous. The weight of the world gone temporarily from my shoulders. Nothing else existed but me, the whole of me. I became accepting of me and my ‘plight’ in life, whatever that may be.

There can almost be no greater gift in life I believe, than that feeling. No matter how fleeting it is. For a person whose brain does not shut off, the gift of the waves crashing to the shore in ones head being the only sound is beyond euphoric.


I have sat by the shore of the Pacific Ocean. I have sat by the shore of the Atlantic Ocean as well. The colour of their water is beyond spectacular. Yet the ocean holds a great many fears of mine. One could over simplify it and say there are things in there that can hurt you, but the truth is it is the unknown. I once sat on the shores of the Pacific and watched a baby and mother whale breach the surface. I also watched a tourist ‘submarine’ do the same thing. I was equally terrified to the point of not being able to move on both occasions. Out of no where emerged massive bodies, without warning.

While Lake Ontario does have its share of undesirables in the ‘looks’ department, I am not going to be startled by anything breaching the surface. Perhaps this lack of lake fear comes from growing up near a large lake. However, don’t misunderstand, if a piece of seaweed ( can I even call it that if it is in a lake?) unexpectedly sticks to my leg, you are going to hear me shriek, and then laugh.

I haven’t a clue why I am writing about this as I sit by the water, sunburned with my trusty bipolar bitch dog, and a full bladder. Perhaps it is because I know summer is rapidly coming to an end here, and it will be a good 10 months before I will most likely be venturing back to the shores of Lake Ontario. Or perhaps it is because I have felt very turbulent in my life for a while now and this overwhelming sense of peace is something I want to hold on to for longer than the hours I have spent on the shore.

The funny thing about living in the northern part of North America, you have to take in your fill of summer. Every blowing leaf on a tree, the birds, the grass beneath your feet, has to be committed to not only your memory but your soul, for before you know it they will be gone for months. These things are hidden from view, and different beauties are revealed, I am just not as partial to those beauties. They are more a focus of bragging rights of survival than soul filling moments for me. The turquoise, crashing waves of Lake Ontario, will eventually be quieted and replaced in areas with a white desert of ice and snow. Rocks will be frozen in their places until spring, some buried beneath the snow.

It is all part of the process, I am well aware. This keeps my country void of man killing reptiles, spiders and fish LOL. In some ways I suppose this could be an excellent analogy for ttwd. The lean and more barren times, needed to not only rejuvenate but appreciate. The idea that buried beneath what seems like colourless snow things are still growing, even if they appear dormant at the time.


I love to take photos. I can find exceptional beauty during the winter. In truth to me trees are actually much more interesting without leaves. Winter has taken on a whole different feel for me in the past couple of years, because I now ‘share’ it with someone who doesn’t experience the same type of extreme winter I do. That being said, I still look toward it with dread.

I am most certainly living in the wrong country weather wise. I function so much better in bare feet with soil beneath my finger nails. Yet I do sometimes wonder if I would be so appreciative of the waves crashing on the shore,if they weren’t silenced for a time during the year. Would I take them for granted? Would I view them as I did my relationship before ttwd, trusting that they would always be there, so there was no need to make a special trip to sit by the shore?

Now for a less flowery approach…..(and pushing a side the fleeting yet important feelings from the day by the water)

Since writing the above, Barney and I have had a very difficult discussion in regard to our future. I am still unaware as to how I feel, which is very foreign for me. I think if I were to be truthful to myself I would say my uncertainty is only there because I am carrying a shield constructed out of fear . I desperately want to be true to myself, as it has taken me a very long time to feel genuinely comfortable in my skin. I now not only know who I am, but embrace what I have unearthed. I realized too that she was still very much ‘there’ by the water that day. Nothing can take that awakening away from me, currently however I appear to be afraid of trying once again to delve deeper and search for the fulfillment I had experienced sporadically in our past. Some days I fear the relationship I covet, the one that once lay at my finger tips, seems an impossibility now, or at best a distant memory to be left in the past. If I were to follow my own soapbox advice, I would remember that the past can never be repeated, but learned from and built upon. Striving to regain the same will never happen.


My uncertainty isn’t solely with Barney and his ability to awaken us. A great deal of my uncertainty lies with my concern that I now lack the ability to let go. Or the very least the ability to let go enough for Barney to feel it is working, to encourage him to continue. I would like to think that because of who I now know I am, I can show him without restraint~ yet I am so very fearful. I know one foot in front of the other, but does there not come a time where one should say, “enough tripping, find another path? “


Perhaps I am just need to trust that the heat of the sun will eventually turn my ‘winter’ into spring and then summer once again. Perhaps I just need to absorb what light I can, and have it carry me through. When it doesn’t perhaps I will find beauty in the frozen dormant stage as well.

– The above was from August 2018 not Feb 2021 –

He’s Been Suppressing & We’ve Been Struggling

At the encouragement of Jim, I decided to once again repost an old post of mine. I’d be lying if I said what I discovered that day has not shown it’s head since. When it seems like our dynamic is struggling it appears B puts this part of him away. I waffle between what I want ( which is our dynamic to be strong in me before surrendering) and what I need ( for him to forego that worry and embrace his needs).

Anyway, I chose this post because of comments I made on other posts this past week. Perhaps it might give a bit more insight into my mind.

( oh I did spot a grammatical error or two but do you think I can find it now? Lol …um not an invitation to tell me. Lmao)

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

He’s Been Suppressing and We’ve Be Struggling- Who suspected this?

Let’s see where this takes ‘us’ shall we?  I haven’t written about any physical type stuff on our blog, since I don’t know when. I am not uber private, so it isn’t a case of keeping it just between us, I just don’t find a lot of value for myself personally sharing that.  I enjoy being part of blog land but my main purpose of my blog is to process and share- mostly difficult stuff because ttwd isn’t easy.

This is a tad different.  I realize there are very few out there who have been reading here every step of the way, so many don’t know where we started out.  A quick recap:

  • I brought Dd to Barney in the fall of 2012 for the purpose of connection in our marriage after trying several other things- I didn’t think I was submissive (didn’t even like the term)
  • Over time I began to flourish in this dynamic which was more D/s than it was strictly Dd (not going into our views on the difference but it really didn’t include the sexual aspect many associate with D/s alone)
  • Barney quickly got over the feelings of ‘not harming his wife’ when it came to what he called Reconnection Appointments, but it took him a LONG time to get to the punishment aspect- though he got there.
  • Inconsistency still ran rampant  for a long time and still does in times of stress
  • Spankings were not the only punishments that began to happen.  Things I thought I’d never do became part of us- and often far more effective for my state of mind.
  • We switched over to a more organized D/s several years ago and while it has been amazing for me, B began to struggle more.  By organized I mean he started to help cultivate my submission as opposed to the scales being heavier on the reactionary idea of Dd.  Preemptive if you will
  • Barney began to struggle with these new found emotions he had (yes he’s always been sweet). He didn’t realize he could become so angry with me when I stepped out of my submissive state. So he withdrew- until we had the conversation, or several of them that being angry is okay to punish….even beneficial ( as backed up by many of my subbie friends and a ‘larger than life’ Dom we know) See The Anger Myth post.
  • Last year B seemed different again.  After much conversation- which is still ongoing as far as acceptance goes for him, not for me, he admitted ( he still waffles on this ) that he ENJOYS hurting me- in a controlled environment.  Not in a fit of rage.  Not running his fingers over my butt after the fact..but like pain for no purpose other than he can.  There actually IS a purpose for me in that I am serving a purpose but that is again another post
  • NO one who knows B would ever suspect there is a different side to him.  Heck if you read back in this blog you’d never see that coming.
  • This is something he continually struggles with- more so than any idea he ever had that spanking was a bad thing.
  • Am I worried he is going to evolve into some UBER Sadist? LOL…at the speed B moves we’ll be too old for that to ever happen.
  • I came to the realization long ago who I was and became comfortable with it, ( still learning but the foundation is there) B is still working on that, which causes issues more often than not…

Okay so on with the show.


We have been off more than on for the last ….forever. LOL.  Our D/s was still in tact just more watered down than was required – or the required level was only in spits and spurts and not showing the amount of outward success needed to add momentum because of it. 
To say I have been frustrated, heavy hearted and eventually pessimistic would be a great understatement. As many of you know, the deeper you go with ttwd the more challenging it CAN be if it seems to become diluted.  I’d wake every morning hoping that my dynamic ( I really want to type husband here because to me some aspects of him were missing) would return.  The dynamic was actually still there but the vibe was very low. I suspected the worst again- like this wasn’t IN him.  He was doing this all for me.  I had no idea what was to come in the near future.


Over the past few months we have had countless conversations that I left feeling really hopeful.  Our communication, though often rough at the start (UNDERSTATEMENT) seemed to provide the breakthrough needed to set the tone back to where it was- in a growing state.  But inevitably we’d falter.  Sometimes harder than before (okay that was me).  To be honest I don’t even recall what had been said the day before this one, but something seemed to change ever so slightly in B.


I had been talking to a friend of ours who had offered some suggestions, all of which made complete sense, that I suggest to B.  I decided against it.  Not primarily because I don’t like guiding B anymore at this stage of the game ( for various reasons ) because I have still offered reminders of what he used to do and how it worked when ASKED, but because B seemed just a little bit different and I didn’t want to ‘muddy’ the waters.


B has been known to get up in the early morning (not easy for him) not say a word other than, ” Come here and put your hands on the stool” lift or drop whatever I am wearing and lay into me for a brief but energetic moment.  Honestly those moments have a great way of setting the tone for the day- provided the rest is there.  This particular morning he came downstairs and was all chipper and bubbly.  NOT that I don’t like my husband this way, but it was a little off putting based on recent history.  I began to worry that I had been mistaken about how he seemed different the night before, but I bit my tongue and bide my time- I’m fairly certain he’s going to have a different take on how ‘well’ I did at that!


After our youngest left for school he had me go up into our room and ‘assume the kneeling position’.  This position has very specific specifications, one of which has my arms outstretched.  I feel like I should be flying around the room in airplane mode, until they start to shake that is. It is however the first step to breaking down my defences often- if done for a prolonged period of time.
Upon entering the room,
” Put your arms down, tilt your head back keeping your eyes closed”……..I said nothing


He covered my eyes and instructed me to kneel on our loveseat ( we still had a ‘kid’ asleep in the house so one has to make due with a less than stellar area sometimes).  He bound my ankles with cuffs, so I technically could bring them up if I wanted. LOL.  I was instructed to put my forearms on the bed behind the love seat. It was at this time that he wrapped and eventually tied my wrists with a cotton rope (not that I knew that at the time).  Not long after he inserted the altered bit gag into my mouth ( I have an overbite- NOT BUCK TEETH) so ball gags are not going to happen here.  This is a soft bit gag that most of the stuffing has been removed and then resealed.  I could still move it if I needed but didn’t bother him with that detail.  I was then told to get back up into a kneel as he moved my hair aside. 


 CRAP, he’s going to use my back! For those who don’t know several years ago I managed to injure my back and hip.  It was a very long recovery for me.  To this day I am still very afraid of having my back struck as well as the beefy part above my right hip.  Okay terrified LOL.  
He began with the silicone flogger ( at least he was warming me up).  This isn’t a painful flogger really, but it is annoying as H*LL.  It stings especially when it lands on the outer hip or the front of the thighs. On my upper back it tends to feel more thuddy.  He criss crossed my back a bit, talking to me as he did. ** This can be an area that can make or break the atmosphere for me.  If B starts talking about how he has failed us and knows what he needs to do in the future, my armour goes up.  I don’t mind having those discussions just not in THIS arena.  Thankfully this day he chose a different tatic


He went on to tell me today he was taking.  This wasn’t about me.  This was all about him.  He has missed this part of him.  He said he believed that is what has been holding him back, that he was denying part of himself and it has effected our dynamic.


The next thing I felt was a searing pain across my lower back.  I knew what it was internally groaned, and outwardly hissed.  Laugh away, but it was a 24 inch glow stick.  That sucker stings more than a cane, for me I realize we all process pain differently.  It has been a long while since he has ‘taken’ so I was very much out of practice, in addition to losing weight.  Over and over again he marked my back.  This glow stick doesn’t leave a deep lingering pain, but it does leave stings and marks.  I am sure if he applied it with more force ( which he did below my hips) I would feel it.  But he knows I am fearful still of my back, and he still gets his reaction, and marks without having to go too deep.  


It’s an odd feeling knowing you aren’t really getting hurt, in comparison to other times in the past especially, and yet still accepting the pain you are receiving.  Each time I hissed through the gag, yet I felt silly as I knew it could be way worse.  Eventually as I said, he moved to below my waist.  These blows came much harder as it is the beefy area, and very used to ‘abuse’ LOL.  Thankfully he left the majority of my legs alone.  No need to explain the ‘X’ marks the spot on a calf in short season.


Before we started he told me if ever I became afraid to just shake my head.  I heard him rummaging through his drawer.  Suddenly I felt and heard a shock.  I screamed through the gag.  He paused and asked me if I was okay.  I pushed the gag aside and mumbled it wasn’t so bad, it was the sound that startled me.  He tested his new toy over and over again.  Each time I jumped.  The initial hit didn’t hurt but it did send a lingering uncomfortable sensation.  Oh also smelled a bit of burning hair.  LOL.  At one point he went to an area I became fearful of (not sexual) and shook my head frantically.  He calmly assured me it was okay, and thanked me for expressing that moving on to other areas.


I believe he returned to his buddy the glow stick not long after that.  More in his comfort zone I suppose.  He continued to tell me how he needed this.  How he needed to embrace this side of him and not suppress it.  He realized that by suppressing this part of himself it was creating a distance between us ( OH boy can I relate to that one).  All in all this time together wasn’t actually that challenging for me.  Baby steps back I suppose.  But I knew it was very important.  My mind didn’t slip into subbie mode like it had in the past at least not to the depths it used to ( again baby steps for me too).


He released my ankles, took off my blindfold, ungagged me and kissed me ( confession all I could think was why would you want to kiss my wet, drool soaked face?).  Eventually he took the rope off of my wrists where I noticed a pretty little pattern woven around them.  After he helped me stand, he told me to hug him and he spoke some more of his need.  He took my hand and placed it on his jeans to ‘show’ me that my submission does this to him.  I was instructed to go into the bathroom and clean up.


I was a tad confused as to why that was it.  I mean if  THIS did THAT to him, why did he stop there? I now believe it was because he wanted the pain exchange to be the primary focus not the release.  I examined myself in the mirror.  To my surprise some of the marks seemed angry- my surprise because I felt this session was much lighter than the past.  I still carry some of these marks.  Most are perfect double lines.  One has a bit of bruising.
I check out the progress of these marks several times a day.  They don’t hurt.  I am not stiff as I usually am after, but they linger. 

Do I feel a sense of pride in submitting? In part, but again it wasn’t as challenging as it has been in the past.  I do feel more pride in B when I see these marks.  For the time being anyway he has taken a step toward what he believes is what he needs.  He is once again embracing HIS NEED versus mine.  And honestly that is all I have ever wanted.  For him to run the show whatever that looks like.  For him to be authentically him.  I know it must be difficult as he didn’t bring Dd to us so his growth was almost more forced out of him and publicly rather than mine which started prior to Dd.  He didn’t realize he had different aspects of himself that he now knows about ( I can relate) and he has a difficult time rectifying that part when life, insecurities, stress comes knocking at our door.  He doesn’t have the free time to examine and dissect that I do/did during my growing periods.


He hasn’t asked about my marks.  Once a long time ago I asked him why he doesn’t ask about marks he places when he takes.  He said, he can still see them in his head.  Odd, but a similar answer that a friend once gave so who am I to question?

It hasn’t been that long since this day, but the most important thing is the vibe seems to have changed in the right direction again.  We still have work to do, and I am fearful of the next week due to ‘life’, but I am trying my best to just believe.


Some might not see the connection to Dd, D/s and view this post as some sort of BDSM ‘thing’, but to me it isn’t.  Our dynamic is based on a form of power exchange ( unfortunately often a teeter todder and the power doesn’t always lie where it needs to – B laughs when he hears I believe I have the power…I laugh when he thinks I don’t LOL).  For me this dynamic was never about not having to ‘do everything’ at home, or be relieved of burdens.  It was never about accountability ( outside of destructive behaviour toward our relationship- like shutting down).  It was never about breaking me of habits, not that I am perfect by any means.  Long ago I wanted a deeper connection between us, and long ago I discovered in order for that to happen I needed to lay down my armour and let myself be me.  This dynamic does that.  He being in control, authentically not following my lead to lead,  creates an environment where I can just be me.  Often it causes issues too…still learning to navigate those emotional waters.  There is an immense freedom associated with B taking what he wants to fulfill a growing need in himself.  I provided a  physical service which technically only I can provide, but more than that  I helped him step back into his current authenticity. Without feeling like he is living his authentic self, I feel like our dynamic is a fraud.  I feel that my needs aren’t being met because part of my need is this comes from deep in him.  Submission given to someone who is taking it because it is my need not their’s to recieve- basically they enjoy it but don’t NEED it, is hollow for me on a personal level.

  Please don’t misunderstand, I do think we lived like this for a very long time while things adjusted here.  Once the sift started to happen, my growth in submission grew and that is how I became to embrace my authentic self.  


  Where this leads I have no clue and I’m sure he doesn’t either.  What it has done already,  is removed a great majority of the armour that was starting to build- in both of us.

What is Pain to You?

I realized I opened this Word Press blog and then stopped writing. While I still haven’t been bitten by the writing bug that used to once live in me, ( aside from long missives in other people’s comments lol), I do have a lot of OLD posts I could share- with new people.

The following was a submissive writing assignment B gave to me a year and a half ago. I am literally copying and pasting it from my other blog, so hopefully it still makes sense without the background context from said blog.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 17, 2019

What is Pain to you? (Another submissive writing exercise)

Barney gave me another writing assignment as a reflective, submissive exercise. I have to admit this was initially a bit of a challenge. I stared at the question for quite sometime trying to figure out exactly what he might be looking for. Before he left for work he said something about very loose perimeters as far as this assignment went, and I took it to heart and ran with whatever came to mind.

I have to admit it was a difficult decision to share this post. Not so much because of the content but because of the discussions  we had after B read it. Barney started our conversation with, ” It is not what I expected but it is still good”- or something like that. Well I lost it. Not yelling and screaming lost it. I closed up. Then he lost it. As I stated, when initially giving me this assignment he told me I had very loose perimeters with the subject matter. By commenting that it wasn’t what he was expecting I felt initially robbed of that.  But there was more to it.  It took a while before we came to that understanding.  

After calming down B returned and apologized to me.  He put into words what I was really feeling before I could ( I was still upset over the ‘loose perimeters’ that weren’t in my mind). He basically said, ” I know your goal is to always please me and I have to be more attentive to that when I talk to you.  I am not disappointed in what you wrote.”. 
 I thought back to other times I had similar reactions in a discussion. It was true on so many levels,I really don’t like not providing what is expected of me or having him and others  who I respect disappointed in me- but there was also another layer to that. Those who read my comments on other blogs can attest, I tend to see things very differently than others, (thank you dyslexia). Most times this is a very good thing, but it still always makes me feel like a fish out of water.  Earlier in the week it was pointed out to me on a blog I had commented on.  So B’s comment was adding insult to injury.  Just like the post where  I had put my comment on, I reread B’s question several times.  I couldn’t for the life of me see where I had errorred. What I had missed.  Couple that with not living up to his expectation, after putting myself ‘out there’ for him it was basically soul crushing.
 And if I am to be honest, brutally honest, I am still not over my feelings on the matter.  Yes I *am* insecure when it comes to writing, especially because I am now unprivate again and many of my longtime readers are no longer. I am forever second guessing my comments and posts because they seem so out in left field compared to others. BUT this is who I am and there is only one way to get over those demons and that is to plug on! (no pun intended)****


Here was his question:What is pain to you, physical, and emotional?

And my response

Physical pain administered within the context of our dynamic is the exchange of power in the highest, yet also most basic form. Physical pain, once accepted is the emptying of the mind. It is the restoring of power. It is the ultimate surrender to a dominating force. Pain not only empties the mind, it breaks down walls, and secures the submissive heart. Depending on why the pain is being administered depends on what it does to me. I am not often one who needs the pain to release the guilt. I am more the one who requires it to restore the balance of power in my mind- or at the very least start that process. In addition to restoring the balance of power it solidifies to me that whatever has occurred is truly important enough for you to make sure I have felt your displeasure

My mindset

 Pain ( Merely one way pain is administered. It doesn’t always take this form)

Balance of Power Restored

 It is the exclamation point to your words. I wouldn’t say that pain alone is the deterrent for not repeating offences, but the fact that you administer it brings an air of authenticity to the significance of our dynamic from you and shows your desire to keep us in our designated roles. In some twisted way the fact that you physically dole out pain if I am not being submissive, in action, attitude or words says to me that my submission is as important to you as it is to me and that neither of us should expect any less.
Physical pain alone for me is not erotic. The power exchange must exist in order for the pain to contain an arousing aspect. It took me a long time to figure out why erotic spankings were not for me, or why resets seemed to take much longer than punishments to ‘set the stage’ for a physical change in me. They both were lacking the type of power required for my mind to allow those walls to come down and allow the sexual being out. Of course your resets are different now but they still do take longer than a punishment to allow myself to let go- to feel my submissive self reemerge.

Physical pain for your pleasure is entirely different, yet it isn’t. There is a power exchange occurring but the context changes the emotions during that exchange. Currently, I still need to be informed when I am submitting to pain for your pleasure. Physical pain often manifests itself in anger which can have my head swirling in countless directions. Knowing in advance that my pain is strictly for you helps me channel more helpful emotions which dull the anger response that comes from the biting, instant pain. While I don’t enjoy that pain, the fact that you do and the fact my submitting to you for it (eventually) instills a bit of submissive pride in me. I did say eventually. If you stop before I can reconcile my anger response to the latest strike- well eventually might come after more snarling and snorting…lol

Emotional pain is the worst type of pain I can experience anywhere, but particularly within the context of this dynamic. Since starting ttwd a great majority of old walls have come down, which is a wonderful thing- yet it isn’t if emotional pain arrives. Without these old coping mechanisms that are not, the emotional pain is quick, raw and often lingering. I have no choice now but to feel this pain as I cannot seem to suppress what I used to. Often the emotional pain can manifest itself physically if left unresolved or at the very least it can cast a dark shadow over many areas of our lives until it is.
Emotional pain to me is the catalyst for attempting to return to my old ways. It is the catalyst for shutting down, and shutting out. It turns down the volume on my submissive voice and sends the negative thoughts to 11. ( Impressive that I can use a SpinalTap reference in a Ds submissive exercise!). Emotional pain snowballs into areas it has no business going, yet it does. It sends out signals of distrust. 

It creates a force field constructed of anger to keep others at bay and to protect whatever is left behind it. Emotional pain feeds itself on self esteem. The longer it is experienced the more damage it creates. This type of pain can multiply and spawn emotional self harm. Experiencing these depths of pain can set our dynamic back to a point where the good has been temporarily forgotten. Its effects can be farther reaching in comparison to any physical pain- especially if ignored for a period of time.

Often understanding abates emotional pain, but given the opportunity physical pain can stop it in its tracks before it has a chance to create more damage.

Loathing What You Need

I know, I disappeared, and most likely will again. Serious interaction on blogs (re mine) seems to be severely lacking so there seems to be very little reason to plug on and share intimate posts publically.  * Referring to my other blog, Barney Married Wilma

So why now? Well actually I write this post almost 2 years ago, and life has a funny way of putting us back in places we need to fix over and over again until we get it right. To be frank I highly doubt I could compose a post these days. I’m rusty in so many areas.  Covid life has put a hit on our dynamic yet it shouldn’t because we have more time together- too bad our minds seem to have a constant drum in the background that seems to drown out much of our desires at the moment….

Anyway I read in a comment about a month ago something to the affect of ” I read blogs sometimes and think of how sad people’s lives are”.  I am sure the person commenting didn’t mean it as a damaging comment.  I want to point out before I continue trying to resurrect my morning’s post in my mind again a few things.  I would hope that no one reads my posts and feels sad for me.  I will say that despite the struggles Barney and I have encounter since and even because of starting ttwd,  it has changed me in ways I will never ever be sorry for.  I will admit at times it seems to have caused strife between the two of us, but as I have said before, ttwd is more of a magnifier of issues that already exist more than it is a problem unto itself.  Ttwd has allowed me to unearth myself;my true, authentic self, and even in the future if for some reason we can no longer live this lifestyle that knowledge and feeling will never be taken away.

Yes it has bettered our marriage but often not in ways I read about here and there.  Sure sex is more frequent and more creative.  But honestly that is a byproduct of me being less guarded and allowing intimacy into our lives.  Anyway, that isn’t why I wrote this morning.  I wrote this morning because of a few things I was reflecting on in the past 24 hours.

The first being….

 Loathing What You Need

Such an ominous title right?  Here’s the thing, I do LOATHE what I need.  This isn’t a post about questioning my need for submission ( though one might argue it could be one questioning my sanity).  I don’t fault anyone out there that is currently questioning their need for submission, I have been there countless times, but thankfully that ship has sailed! One LESS complication in my life.

No I mean I loathe the things I have to do to cultivate and maintain my submissive heartset.  Do I enjoy being spanked? HELL NO!  I mean not even a reset-though slower to start therefore easier to take in the long run it isn’t a fun adventure.  Barney has and will employ BDSM tactics(?) to achieve a certain level of resetting as well.  And while I endure and my body often betrays me to indicate I enjoy it, it isn’t something I crave. ( Though I am not a huge fan of ‘vanilla’ sex…I am more referring to the slight torture aspect lol). What I do crave is the power exchange that is created in both of these scenarios.  Do I find it ‘yummy’ to be told to get on my knees, or kneel- nope.  Do I find it enjoyable to wearing a plug while vacuuming, kneeling on pebbles in a freezing corner, being told to get off the computer, eat this, don’t eat that, wear this, phone me if you want to have a drink/buy something/leave the house …blah, blah, blah….Can’t say I do.  No doubt my face generally indicates that as well.  BUT what I do enjoy is the benefits of doing these things- um more than the relief that I might be punished if I don’t.  The benefit of, for whatever crazy reason, keeping  me unguarded.  The benefit of being constantly in my husband’s ‘cross hairs’.  The intimacy that is created because I have submitted to his wants, especially because I don’t WANT to do them.

This isn’t to say that when life is grand in the Submissive World of Willie, that I can’t enjoy some aspects of submissive acts.  Some things, chore lists etc, actually become more meaningful for me.  Some days that meaning might just be that I accomplished them despite myself! lol . It also doesn’t mean that I don’t anticipate the needs of my husband without prompting as I do enjoy that but to me that isn’t submission.

Do I have thoughts during the day like, ” Well I wish he’d just …..”  yes, yes I do.  Now how confusing is that? I loath doing it, but please tell me to do it.  (Of course it goes without saying the fact that he SAYS those ‘things’ need to be done is a large part of the process as well)  Those of you out there that can follow my crazy rant here would probably understand it for what it is.  For me it is the end goal feeling, not the things I need to do to get me there that is the reason for the submissive acts.  I understand that there are subs out there that LOVE and Crave the acts themselves, for what they are. And I am generally a people pleaser so there is that too. But I mean  they love it, and I say “Good on you!”  I think sometimes life would be so much better and easier for Barney if I did just gleefully spring into action EVERY TIME.  I don’t.  As Barney said, ” You are 100% submissive – 95% of the time”. It is the 5% that he tends to see now.

 (Here is the don’t feel sorry or ‘sad’ for me portion of the post )

The last month has probably been one of, if not the most difficult months in my entire life.  I know it has been THE most difficult month in the last 21 years.  There are a number of factors which have contributed to this outstanding statement,but in truth the hows or whys really aren’t important.  It will be a very long time for some factors to be removed, and IF other factors can be fixed they will take a long while with a lot of work as well.  I am generally not one who can sit by and wait for life to work itself out, or to watch on the sidelines- sadly some of these situations require just that.

The one thing I can actively work on is our relationship.  It has taken a direct hit, and in some ways there was no avoiding it as focus had to be put in other areas emotionally.  However in doing so it created a situation where my submissive self became barricaded deep inside.  The dial was switched to Personal Survivor Mode.  See the big issue there?  PERSONAL….not exactly a great word to use in conjunction with ttwd dynamic.  So locked was this dial on the Personal Survivor Mode station, things Barney used to see as indications that I wasn’t where I needed to be became a bone of contention.  Resentment.  The dreaded word of any relationship! Why didn’t I JUST DO IT??? Were his thoughts.  It is my need after all why don’t I just do it?

I was talking to a dear OLD friend last night.  We  often discuss various things but last night was a different kind of conversation, probably due to sheer emotional exhaustion on both our parts. We started discussing our submission in a way perhaps we haven’t in a while.  One thing she mentioned to me in reference to something else was, the fact of how fortunate we were to ” have experienced the benefits and beauty of submission”.  A light went off in my head this morning thinking of that (yeah I’m a bit slow these days).  That is what has been missing these past few months.  Right before the house of cards started crumbling down around us, we had had a pretty wonderful week.  Unfortunately the pressure one felt coupled with and because of  the fulfillment of the other, seemed to cause issues immediately after said week.  I felt deeply during that week.  I felt free and myself again, even though I did screw up, and question myself as to why.  I felt it.  I felt the benefits and beauty of it.  I was once again A submissive not merely BEING submissive (and that is okay if you identify as the latter- I don’t mean to put a public hierarchy on it, I am only referring to my personal feelings of self). 

For the last while,and again somewhat due to life circumstances, I haven’t felt fulfilled in or with my submission.   This morning I was punished, sigh AGAIN, which you know is part of the deal right? It was physically a challenging punishment to take as I had been severely punished yesterday and that had yet to leave me.  The severity wasn’t due to  my act that got me punished but because of my ‘act’ WHILE being punished.  If you are new here or you know forgot- I tend to be a bit of a hard head which later in the day after my bravado wears off and my butt thaws is NEVER a good thing.  After my punishment I was told to reflect on how I was currently feeling and tell Barney when he asked. 

Okay ladies and gents this is generally NOT a good thing for us! LOL.  At least not of late.  Barney should really know by now that he shouldn’t ask questions he doesn’t really want to hear the answer too! My response was I felt resentful.  I was punished and I deserved to be based on our dynamic.  I am not denying that.  I felt resentful because I feel like maybe he is putting me in a position to force his hand- literally.  He is trying to get us back on track.  He is being consistent with punishments, but for me, the punishment is a result of something else not working, or being acknowledged.  Please don’t take this for me BLAMING Barney for my actions….though I suppose it does sound like that doesn’t it? These are actually  his words from the not so distant past.  These punishments are isolated incidents.  Without his active dominance after, there is a void.

I never tested Barney when we started ttwd.  I know I have mentioned that countless times.  I am no saint.  I just didn’t do it because he said if he ever thought I was testing him, he would end our dynamic.  I guess that stuck with me.  Have I ‘poked the bear’?  Yup.  And as I have also said, I didn’t test him because I was afraid that he would ‘fail’ and then where would I be?  In addition to that, for years I loved just doing what was required of me.  That along with self analysis was enough to help me discover who I was deep down.  But as life changes, and discoveries are made complications arise.  We are all organic in nature as are our relationships.  Those who choose not to continually adapt may eventually fail.  ( If you are married to a pain in the butt like me )

In the past, though not often with a grand amount of consistency, red flags would go up if I was being punished.  Honestly I am an emotional creature (shut it) and punishments often are not a deterrent for me.  What I mean to say is ‘in the moment’ I tend to forget that my butt is going to fry, or I will be unplugged (electronically) because of my words or actions.  Naturally over time Barney began to see punishments as being a failure on his part because to him I am not fearful of them (ask me right before on day two and see how NOT fearful I am of them).  I now fear the red flags are not being seen, just the red ass.  The building on dominance from the ultimate dominant situation, has been missing. (Save today, but I had already started to write, so just go with me on this one).

As I stated earlier, when situations arise and we find ourselves where we currently are, I tend to see things as isolated events.  One event not really connecting to another.  Barney tends to fixate on one ‘type’ of dominance during these times.  For example punishments and reactions. However, when things are running as smoothly as they can here

(pretty much as smoothly as this)

Barney can multitask in his domination.  Though punishments are rare in that ‘euphoric’ state…lol

Here’s the thing….there are so many conflicting messages being transmitted out by me…even 5 years in.  

I need this, but I hate aspects of  it

I want you to make me, but I don’t want to do it…but I will because I want to.

Make it your own, but don’t forget how it affects me

Consistency with punishment is required for effective results- but it isn’t all about reacting and punishments

Cultivate but ….

And when we are in a good place, these messages don’t seem to be so loud, but when we go off course, everything seems to cause hurt, frustration, and the world’s worst secondary emotion- anger!

All of these things of course can be talked about.  The issue really becomes not only putting it into practice, but a practice that BOTH can see.

The issue with ‘falling off of the wagon’ is the interpretation of the past.  What if one is clinging to the successes while one is clinging to the failures?  What if the one clinging to the successes is also affected deeply by the failures, and is holding back moving forward because of it, yet indicates that the other SHOULD just push through?

YUP….clear as mud.

We are fine (yes the dreaded word).  Barney is holding true to what he currently can.  To be honest it is me.  I am the issue.  I can go on and on as to the whys I believe I am the hold out but I’m not entirely sure that would be helpful.  After all it would only be my interpretation of events.  So the whys to me (for once in my life) aren’t as important.  I have to just put one foot in front of the other and follow along- doing the best that I personally can.  But there is the issue, can/ want/ need….sigh what if some of it I loathe and after so long of not believing it mattered if I did or didn’t-( you know “If a tree falls in a forest…” )how do I convince myself I should; that it will matter? At the very least to me once again?

Personality Trait I Need to Overcome to Grow My Submission

Barney has (more in the past than of late) given me written submissive exercises.  I find the the reflection they require, depending of course on the subject matter greatly helps me keep in touch with who I am and who I desire to be.  

This was one given to me well over a year ago- I thought I’d share here.

 What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?

Respond to assignment in a minimum 300 words.  To be completed for me before 10 pm tonight.  Leave computer on island for me to read when I get home.

*****

Initially when I read this assignment the first word that came to my mind was stubborn. However, I believe that in the case of Dd my stubbornness is actually strength more times than not for keeping us afloat- or at least it was during the onset of Dd. Naturally stubborn wasn’t the word I would end up choosing.

In my quest for choosing, I thought I would create a list; actually thinking this list in it’s entirely would make it into my writing. While I stared at the aforementioned list (argumentative, aloof, stubborn, condemnatory, fearful) it occurred to me that all of these traits stemmed from one specific area. PRIDE.

The definition I first came across to illustrate my point did anything but, “having a high opinion of one’s self” . Yeah not so much. I can and do sometimes take pride in things I have done, but the pride that stands in my way of my submission isn’t that type of pride. I then took to the internet abandoning traditional definitions to find someone who perhaps could explain better than I how pride can stop us from truly being ourselves.

I ended up finding many things on various religious sites. The best explanation I can come up with how pride cripples my growth is this: Pride tends to keep our own weaknesses, mistakes and regret to ourselves. I am no stranger to this. It is pride that keeps me from talking to you concerning my fears, my insecurities, and my needs. It is pride that stops me from submitting. I may become argumentative, and condemnatory, justifying that I didn’t submit because I am fearful of what will happen tomorrow, but if I examine it, it is truly because of pride. I don’t want to face my weaknesses, at least during those times. Often when I am alone, I have every intention of sharing with you the next time I see you. The moment you walk through the door, upon reflection, it is as if I find fault with things so I can convince myself not to share; to close up. As you can also see, I can become condemnatory. By doing so I don’t have to look at my faults and therefore admit to myself that I am not as submissive (anymore) as I once was.

Pride is a force field of sorts. It prevents me from being humble, and therefore stops the next step -vulnerability (which is why certain humbling exercises work well with women). Deep in my heart, okay not even that deep, when we are in a horrible place I KNOW I am the primary reason for it. Sure, I NEED you to pull out my vulnerability in able for me to not be so proud, to be raw with you, but I am the one who hides behind pride. The fear of embarrassment is too strong- not always from you but embarrassment of self.

I think that is perhaps why I get so upset now when we aren’t on course. I know I have it in me to be UBER submissive, and it isn’t that I need you to make me be submissive, it is that I need you to break down all those insecurities that allow my pride to protect me. At the start of Dd it was seemed easier to not be so prideful, on so many levels. The first being that I wasn’t that ‘deep’ into submission, I didn’t have the expectations of self I do now- mostly because I hadn’t felt it as I have; The next being the obvious failure as of late. The more I fail the more I am afraid to fail, therefore refusing to look inward in the presence of you or sharing faults with you instead focusing on what you aren’t delivering as opposed to what I am not protects the reality from surfacing.

I need your help on this there is no denying it. If only I could be open with you as I am with myself in quiet moments. If only I would share with you my thoughts and feelings- the very quiet ones that don’t fixate on you. It seems I have lost that ability to drop the pride. I suppose perhaps my pride is there because I feel like one of us to be ‘all together’ because of our past in ttwd..and even if I am NOT, I must keep up the appearance that I have all the answers. After all I am the one who brought this to our doorstep. I can’t be the one who fails at it.

Moving From Supporting to Cultivating My Submission

I wrote this post for blogger a couple of years ago. For now I think I’ll repost a few of my old posts here before diving in. A little self preservation perhaps

A lot of what I am about to write may not be relatable to many, or perhaps insulting to some.  That isn’t my intent.  This is merely my take on our adventure thus far. Several years ago I brought Dd to my husband, what has transpired since I know neither one of us could have foreseen.  Yes, all the great and wonderful things you read about that Dd brings to a relationship happened, as well as many not so wonderful things. Those of you who have been following along  over the last 4 plus years,are more than aware of the numerous stumbling blocks we have encountered.  I know for a fact we are certainly not unique in those ‘hiccups’.  But that isn’t what I want to process today.

I would like to say that somewhere along the line we gradually morphed from a Dd relationship to a D/s one.  Truth be told since starting Dd, ( as it was pointed out to me a couple of years ago) we have always been in a D/s relationship.  I know many out there in a Dd relationship still think of D/s as a sex based life, and perhaps you always will.  For those who know us, and those we know who identify themselves as a stronger D/s relationship than Dd alone,  we strongly believe that you need to have D/s to have Dd. This belief is founded by the fact you have to submit ( the small ‘s’ on the right side of the slash) to the Dominant ( the big D) for your punishment/spanking whatever.  You don’t have to agree with me, that is fine.  I just want you to know what our interpretation of this is before I continue.

When we started Dd, and for perhaps the first year Barney’s role was actually one of support.  That is not too say he was not the growing leader.  His role however, after expectations were established,was one that was reactionary.  For example, if I did or did not do abc, I ideally could expect xyz.  If he noticed I was drifting away, he would react accordingly ( on occasion) to bring me back.

I spent the better part of two years discovering who I truly was, and then accepting it.  Initially when I first discovered the Dd lifestyle I longed for the closeness I had read about between couples that Dd created. In  those first couple of years we had the benefit of meeting several Dd couples who were further along in their adventure than us.  I remember Barney and I talking after one such vacation about a friend of ours and how he and I both hoped that I would be able to turn to him with the depths  she turned to her husband.  In the end we concluded she and I were different women and it probably wasn’t going to happen.

We were wrong!  Thank goodness for that because it is wonderful (when it IS wonderful that is).  What changed?  Our methods for reaching  the core of me for one, but before that, our perception of me.  The latter point, however is another post…one I have written on my blog in various ways before.

OKAY FINALLY getting to my point. We changed our methods (an ongoing struggle by the way).  Or perhaps more accurately we embraced what was already there and allowed that to be the focus.  Barney (after much conversation, heartache and struggles on both our parts) began to understand that being proactive as opposed to reactionary was a far better way to allow me to be who we both desired.  I suppose I should reword that.  I haven’t changed at all in many ways.  In some ways I have become much, much more feisty than before.  However, that is the whole of me.  Not always the BEST of me, but it is the authentic me. Those feisty episodes generally surface when I have felt hurt (not necessarily that Barney HAS hurt me, but I have felt hurt).  Those times aside, I am weightless.  I am not carefree by any means.  I just see things for the way they are.  Anxiety does not alter my perception.  I can view many things much more positively.  The most beneficial part is the feeling that I radiate from within.  There are no shields to protect me, because I don’t require them. THAT is who we want me to be.

Sure I get hurt.  Sometimes far more than I ever did before, but I FEEL…oh do I feel.  It is most definitely a double edge sword, but one I will risk. .

Back to proactive.Barney said not too long ago that he will always want to support me in my submission.  Well……… that actually didn’t go over so well. I do want my husband to be supportive of me in many, many areas of my life.  Where I don’t actually require support is in my submission.  Hear me out. Perhaps I am splitting hairs, but the slight distinction has made a big difference for us. As far as my submission goes,  I own it.  I know who I am. I came to that conclusion a while ago. Prior to that I did need him to support me in my discovery. I am (most days) very comfortable with who I am and where I want to be/stay. He can’t MAKE me submissive. What I need him to continue to do, and this isn’t always easy due to life and reality beyond our small bubble, is to CULTIVATE my submission.  I need him to help create an environment that continues to allow me to embrace my core. When he cultivates there is no need to support (though I realize you can argue the support is implied) because I am flourishing.  There are no long term doubts.  Not to say there are not struggles.  But that is part of the cultivation process.

So what does that look like?  Well I could give specifics but everyone is very different. Honestly I am very different from day to day…week to week. A great deal of it has to do with removing bits of control from my grasp. Some days it is as simple as giving me tasks.  I don’t need a list to accomplish things (though I don’t by any means fault those who do), but there is joy to be found for me in accomplishing things that HE wants.  I still accomplish what I want – after his needs.  Most of the time his needs are things I would have already done anyway, but the fact that he sat down and thought about what he wanted and why means something to me. In a way it gives me permission to be submissive, (which one could argue is also a supportive aspect).  It allows me to see that my submission is important to him,and that is of the utmost importance to me. It also gives him a less abstract way of seeing my submission.

Those household task lists help keep me where I need to be, but they do not ‘bring me’ to where I need to be.  Helping me get closer to my core comes from things that are more challenging.  For poor Barney this generally means becoming more creative.  Some days it means humbling me, not humiliating but stripping me of my armour.  This can be physical, but more often than not he has to claim my mind before he can claim my submissive heartset again.  Generally it means taking me out of my comfort zone.  It doesn’t always have to be a grandiose gesture.  Some days it can be as simple as bathing me.  YUP….for whatever reason that simple act softens me.  See?  Not so kinky.  Though there are other times where….well I’m not going to write about that!  *wink*.

Asking for things, and not feeling that the answer is ALWAYS going to be yes is another more ‘tame’ way he cultivates my submission.  Let me tell you, I really ‘fail’ at this, and OFTEN.  It is as if the question gets caught in my throat.  Generally it comes out as, ” I’d really like another coffee”.  Some days I get a flat out ‘no’.  Other days I am on the receiving end of, ” Well perhaps you should ASK me then”.  If he is feeling generous, which is most times, he will respond with ” Are you ASKING me?” If I am to be truthful the last one doesn’t cultivate my submission much, but then again neither am I because I should just bite the damn bullet and ask.  Often I will forgo asking and do without. THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE ASKING…LOL  I am aware..stupid..I want it, but I don’t-

Conquering the battle within is my burden,creating that battle is his . AND THAT is how he cultivates my submission.