Barney has (more in the past than of late) given me written submissive exercises. I find the the reflection they require, depending of course on the subject matter greatly helps me keep in touch with who I am and who I desire to be.
This was one given to me well over a year ago- I thought I’d share here.
What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?
Respond to assignment in a minimum 300 words. To be completed for me before 10 pm tonight. Leave computer on island for me to read when I get home.
Initially when I read this assignment the first word that came to my mind was stubborn. However, I believe that in the case of Dd my stubbornness is actually strength more times than not for keeping us afloat- or at least it was during the onset of Dd. Naturally stubborn wasn’t the word I would end up choosing.
In my quest for choosing, I thought I would create a list; actually thinking this list in it’s entirely would make it into my writing. While I stared at the aforementioned list (argumentative, aloof, stubborn, condemnatory, fearful) it occurred to me that all of these traits stemmed from one specific area. PRIDE.
The definition I first came across to illustrate my point did anything but, “having a high opinion of one’s self” . Yeah not so much. I can and do sometimes take pride in things I have done, but the pride that stands in my way of my submission isn’t that type of pride. I then took to the internet abandoning traditional definitions to find someone who perhaps could explain better than I how pride can stop us from truly being ourselves.
I ended up finding many things on various religious sites. The best explanation I can come up with how pride cripples my growth is this: Pride tends to keep our own weaknesses, mistakes and regret to ourselves. I am no stranger to this. It is pride that keeps me from talking to you concerning my fears, my insecurities, and my needs. It is pride that stops me from submitting. I may become argumentative, and condemnatory, justifying that I didn’t submit because I am fearful of what will happen tomorrow, but if I examine it, it is truly because of pride. I don’t want to face my weaknesses, at least during those times. Often when I am alone, I have every intention of sharing with you the next time I see you. The moment you walk through the door, upon reflection, it is as if I find fault with things so I can convince myself not to share; to close up. As you can also see, I can become condemnatory. By doing so I don’t have to look at my faults and therefore admit to myself that I am not as submissive (anymore) as I once was.
Pride is a force field of sorts. It prevents me from being humble, and therefore stops the next step -vulnerability (which is why certain humbling exercises work well with women). Deep in my heart, okay not even that deep, when we are in a horrible place I KNOW I am the primary reason for it. Sure, I NEED you to pull out my vulnerability in able for me to not be so proud, to be raw with you, but I am the one who hides behind pride. The fear of embarrassment is too strong- not always from you but embarrassment of self.
I think that is perhaps why I get so upset now when we aren’t on course. I know I have it in me to be UBER submissive, and it isn’t that I need you to make me be submissive, it is that I need you to break down all those insecurities that allow my pride to protect me. At the start of Dd it was seemed easier to not be so prideful, on so many levels. The first being that I wasn’t that ‘deep’ into submission, I didn’t have the expectations of self I do now- mostly because I hadn’t felt it as I have; The next being the obvious failure as of late. The more I fail the more I am afraid to fail, therefore refusing to look inward in the presence of you or sharing faults with you instead focusing on what you aren’t delivering as opposed to what I am not protects the reality from surfacing.
I need your help on this there is no denying it. If only I could be open with you as I am with myself in quiet moments. If only I would share with you my thoughts and feelings- the very quiet ones that don’t fixate on you. It seems I have lost that ability to drop the pride. I suppose perhaps my pride is there because I feel like one of us to be ‘all together’ because of our past in ttwd..and even if I am NOT, I must keep up the appearance that I have all the answers. After all I am the one who brought this to our doorstep. I can’t be the one who fails at it.