It’s interesting what prompts one’s mind to write something. I was trying to explain to someone the other day, that I can’t sit down and make up a post. It either comes to me or it doesn’t. Sometimes it begins and then vanishes as the day goes on. I’d make a horrible author, that’s all I know.
So what was my muse today? Something that has been in my head for a while, I just haven’t given it oxygen to grow- my submission and what this thing we do really does for me or means to me more accurately. I’ve given bits and pieces of my thoughts over several blogs in the last couple of months. Some interesting discussions have happened, and some out and out shutdowns occurred too. LOL. I feel I may have already written about this a couple of years ago however.
For years I have read about and participated in many areas concerning ttwd and accountability. What I am about to say no means is a criticism of anyone’s mindset or needs/desires. Accountability as a whole picture was never a good fit for me where Dd /D/s was concerned.
Sure, that was the initial foray into ttwd for us, but it didn’t quite gel. No doubt we had to go through that type dynamic in order to settle to where we are (or should be *wink*) now. I’m not going to bore you with history and who I am or was like back then. I will say that basically being punished was never about a clean slate for me, or even feeling remorseful because of it. It was never a deterrent, and that isn’t a slag on Barney’s punishments. Though, looking back I know it certainly appeared that way.
Somewhere along the way, ttwd became about acceptance. The acceptance of me and my need. Punishments were there for various reasons, so B could let it go being one of them. Of course at the start of all of this, he didn’t feel that way. At the start the reluctant punishment was something he ‘just had to do’. For me punishments were an exclamation point to his convictions .Odd thing to say right after I said he did them because he had to isn’t it? That’s how confusing it all was back then for me. I felt like he did it because he had to, yet I ALSO felt that it was his way of showing me that he meant it. Of course I probably read too much into that at the time- which no doubt contributed to a LOT of misunderstandings, which led to hurt feelings and frustrations for all.
For years now, punishments have meant something different. Now they mean that B will not accept anything other than my submissive self. They still aren’t a deterrent, mostly because I tend to break rules when I am emotional not because I forget or don’t care. Well truthfully at the time I don’t care- because I’m emotional. LOL. By him choosing to punish me for broken rules, which can range from disrespect to not asking for something, he is actually telling me that he sees I am not who he wants me to be. This is not a Stepford Wife type thing, it is actually about accepting my authentic self. If he accepts me as a submissive, he won’t accept me as NOT one. This in turn makes it easier for me to accept myself.
So why not just live that way if it is my ‘authentic self’ ? Good question. For a long. long time, I did. I actually probably ‘over submitted’ in many ways, and I did so with less consistency than Barney has shown since. Somewhere along the line something changed, and I will write about that soon, ( I hope, I still haven’t written about the darn yo yo so don’t hold your breath LOL). Suffice to say, moving slightly to the right of my authentic self is a protection method that doesn’t work out well. It causes confusion for B and further hurt and loneliness for me. Loneliness because I miss myself and my willingness to connect on a deeper level.
In case you didn’t already know, there is no real ‘arrival’ in Ttwd.
It does fluctuate. Life throws curve balls, illness, pandemics, job loss, momentary loss of sanity, menopause, MAN-o-pause. Perhaps one person grows, and the other lags behind? Whatever the reason, it can cause a different type of disfunction or hurt, or coping mechanisms. Perhaps we tell ourselves things we believe we need to to get by- and eventually if left unchecked we can find ourselves a little further away then we’d like to be from our little Struggling Utopia that we were constructing.
B obviously has his own reasons for wanting a D/s lifestyle, and they have changed considerably since we started this back in 2012. Maybe some day I can convince him to share what he has discovered or what he ‘gets’ from ttwd now, beyond fulfilling a need for his wife. Basically, back then he tried this because I asked him to. I didn’t even realize it was a need. I explained that apparently it brought a closer connection to those who did it, and that is what I wanted most of all.
We had a difficult time on the onset creating rules ( and yes I said we- that changed to HIM toward the end of the first 6 months) because he couldn’t think of anything he wanted to change. I know right? What a perfect wifey I must have been. And in truth in many ways I was better on the surface than I am now. I did my thing, made sure he was taken care of and I RARELY swore (oh man has that changed. Nothing like a good F bomb when one is ‘inspired’). It was difficult to find where we could incorporate Dd rules into our dynamic, until he discovered DISTANCING. Oh boy, yeah that was a challenge for me- also because he was so used to me distancing, that it was difficult for him to spot. Anyway, rules weren’t a big portion of our dynamic, but resets were. It was through these that I discovered I could let down my guard and surrender to him. In a way they supersized my submission, which often caused more issues- I kid you not. BUT the discovery was made and from that things began to grow. Unfortunately so did the emotional risk, apparently for both of us. That however is for another post.
14 thoughts on “Accepting Myself Because of TTWD”
It is lovely to see you posting again, but you are teasing. You offer more questions than answers! You made me laugh with, ‘he discovered distancing’. Absolutely not allowed. DD cured me of it and if I find that there is the slightest whiff of it in the air from either of us; its time!
Hey Jim, always great to see you! So do tell- what questions did I offer? Don’t leave it there or I might have to accuse you of counterteasing. Lol
Yes, distancing on either side is most destructive and trap that is far too easy to fall into.
Again a thoughtful and interesting post. At many points I felt I could easily have written this about is as it sounds very similar. You have me thinking again! Missy x
Welcome back Missy,
I know you have a difficult time commenting on blogger, but there is a bit of a conversation going on on my blogger blog if you’re interested. Nothing too exciting, but still a discussion.
So if I could be so bold, do tell what has you thinking exactly?
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Hey, whose comments over there are you finding as “nothing too exciting?” over there!?! LMAO Just checking this outs over here on the dark side…..I mean bright side….. or other side……..
I wish it was not so hard for WordPress bloggers to comment on Blogger and vice versa. Plus, I get so lost with all the boxes on everybody’s wordpress and I can’t find a smooth rhythm of checking their blogs for daily posts vs. all the other activities. But, it is kind of more interesting than over on Blogger. Hmm.
Lol! I mean nothing too exciting…well there’s no nudity. Lmao!
Hi Willie. I am sorry because I just got lost in life for a bit there and didn’t make it back. Work is taking up most of my headspace and everything else has to take a back seat.
I meant that you had got me thinking again about punishment and their purpose and the fact that we don’t really do them and what might happen if we did. I wonder if I would go past the indignant and unjust stage to something where I would submit.
Clearly I am late to the party but I will check out your link. Thank you. Missy x
No worries. I, sadly know all about life taking over areas I wish it didn’t and always at the most inconvenient time.
Interesting that you take an indignant an unjust stance when it comes to punishment. There have been times when things have been off the rails that I have felt that, or at least portrayed that to Be initially, but I am not sure I’ve ever felt that way. That isn’t to say I’ve WANTED them. Lol
( As for the comments on the other blog they died anyway 🙂 )
Thanks for coming back
OK I know I am three weeks late here but anyway….
So I am wondering if you have any interest in “March Questions”?
Just in case you may, I would love to hear more from you about distancing! I am prone to doing it. It usually happens if I get my feelings hurt by some [little] thing. I withdraw emotionally and of course, there goes the intimacy which I claim to cherish! The problem is, I don’t know what to do instead! We have a long history of me getting hurt feelings, and if I talk about it then he feels blamed and then he gets defensive and then the situation escalates into a fight. That is so destructive and can take days to get over, so me clamming up would seem like the better alternative! Neither option is good.
Perhaps you have some sage wisdom on this problem? Or even if you don’t, I would love to know your thoughts!
And if you don’t feel like messing with it, that is fine too!
Of course I’ll answer your question. Actually I have been thinking about writing a post concerning a book I am reading. It’s actually a dating book ( always be prepared right? Lol I’m kidding) but I thought it might help me understand why I distance and get hurt so easily. If you’re interested in knowing about it before I write my post I can send you the link as well as the Psychology Today post where I first read about it.
I always love hearing from you, 3 hours or 3 weeks later
I have thought about this, and my post really more surrounds the ‘why’ I distance versus how to stop it- and maybe knowing is the step to learning, but I can offer you a bit if advice before the post .
In the start ( which I had forgotten about until I reread your question) I used to practice a technique I dubbed “Expel the Venom”. The technique I hadn’t forgot about, but I did forget I also used it when I was upset with B.
Basically what I would do is write ‘to’ him unedited. I’d get on my computer and type away,fast and furious. I’d let it all out…all the nasty words I wanted in there too. Often it was ridiculously rage filled. Now when I put the to in quotation marks that was because he’d never see this version, or sometimes any version of this. Often I would reread it and start changing words to make it less venomous. Using those time had me starting to view things, slightly different. As the day went on, I was able to move further and further away from those really strong and negative feelings into a more rational state of mind. While time away may still appear like distancing, I viewed it as distancing from the situation and processing. It did help greatly. I don’t do this often anymore because B works a lot and he is generally gone for hours after I feel hurt so I can let the steam out with space .
I did want to add that sometimes just writing the first venomous post was enough and then I deleted it. Deleting it is key! Not only so he doesn’t come across it, but also so you don’t down the line and reignite some feelings in you during another distancing episode.
Hope that helps?
I do the writing thing too. Definitely helps get the feelings out in a non-damaging way!
Since we started our Thing 6+ years ago I have read in so many blogs references to distancing as one of the main punishable offenses. I just never figured out how not to get my feelings hurt! And John, being a nice guy, finds it hard to punish if he feels like he was partly responsible!
We never came up with many rules! Mainly, just respect. And other things like being available sexually but that was easy for me!
Our dynamic is almost all role affirmation/resets. I desire the inner softness I experience as a result of it [when it works right, of course]!
I would love to figure out how to reduce the emotional distance which is wasted life.
Anyway, I look forward to your post! I very much respect the depth of your experience and I gain insight from reading your posts, so thank you for writing them!
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Hey Willie! I just found all the wonderful comments on your other blog! I’m switching back!
Okay. Lol. I was thinking if moving here but okay