The first time I had heard this ‘term’ it was said to me, in reference… to me. To this day, I am still unsure how it applies, to not only me but people in general.
Before discovering the D/s realm, I didn’t ever think about submission. Many would argue I lived it a great deal of time, but I certainly didn’t think about it.
The term Natural Submissive tends to send many into a world of absolutes. One thing I have been aware of over the years is that when it comes to power exchanges, everything is or should be subjective. ( except that statement lol). How I submit is not the same another would. What one considers submission in their home, may very well just be Monday in mine.
I don’t think in a public forum I actually like the term Natural Submissive. For some reason it lends itself to some fictional hierarchy or stereo type that I see as negative for both. If you are classed as a Natural Submissive the dialogue around it from others who do not believe they are natural in submission tends to include phrases like, ” I am in independent thinker”, ” I am strong and opinionated”, ” I like my freedom”, ” My Dom values my opinion”. Sigh, I am not the one who identified me as a Natural Submissive, but I can tell you without a doubt, depending on the situation, I represent all of those phrases- and the one who first called me a Natural Submissive has experienced them all from me- first hand.
While I understand that most do not mean to undermine those who have been classified as ‘Natural Submissives’ it has an implication that if you believe you are not submissive and list all these traits about yourself, then a submissive cannot be these things.
I have also seen how some who declare themselves Natural Submissives, have a tendency to figuratively walk around with a giant S on their chest and a cape trailing behind them. Either that or they present as someone who feeds into the stereo type of, meek, quiet, self sacrificing ( in a way that has to be repetitively told to everyone) – perfect.
Labels can be helpful, until they are not. Do I think this one is helpful? No. At least not tossed around in forums and chatrooms without it being the topic of discussion. Did it help me when my friend informed me he viewed me as a Natural Submissive? I think over time it did. He didn’t word it exactly as that, though those two words did appear. LOL.
It helped because I could look at myself in hindsight and realize with our power exchange we was merely augmenting what was already there. I wasn’t morphing into someone different. I was allowing myself out. It also helped when I struggled because I could tell myself, ” Willie this is who you are not what you do. Stop being afraid and just do it.” Perhaps because someone else told me what they saw in me, it gave me the courage to explore without shame.
Would I classify myself as a natural submissive? I honestly don’t know. What I DO know, is I feel most free and complete when our life exists with the power exchange running through it. I often do ‘anticipate’ what B or anyone else needs or wants. I’m not sure that is submission. I feel like unless submission ‘costs me something’ it isn’t submission, it is just me.
What doesn’t help is one thought that can come with the term ‘natural’ – because you are wired a certain way everything involving that should be easy. I do think at the start I perhaps had an easier time than some with submission. Was it because not much was asked of me ?-possibly. But even as things became more concentrated, and challenging it still felt right. I still had wars within me though. I still had to take leaps of faith. Perhaps my reasons for these moments are different than others, but they were there nevertheless. I still had struggles and still do.
A while ago I was explaining, best I could, what it might mean to be a Natural Dominant. I find that subject as an observer far easier to explain than one which involves me and emotions, fears, expectations etc.. I removed the subjectiveness of potential character traits, and used the analogy of an athlete or artist if you’d prefer.
Our son was born with a natural talent in one area and a drive for perfection in most. His natural talent was an asset initially, but if he didn’t continue to practice, fail, try new ways to improve on his ‘natural’ talent he would have only gotten so far in life. What was impressive at one stage of life, became not as much as he branched out. He had to build upon his initial abilities, refine them, expand his horizons, otherwise he would remain stagnant . Submission and probably Dominance isn’t that different. I think we are drawn to these areas because we have an inclination initially. I think for some it feels like work to expand their horizons and depths to explore, and for others it is a work they enjoy so it doesn’t seem tedious but rewarding. I also believe that some have had an easier transition to power exchanges because of acceptance in themselves or by themselves from others long before the ‘formal’ start of any exchange. Maybe those who feel it is easier or have the drive to push on and not see it as tedious but fulfilling in multiple ways, can be considered to have a natural aptitude for their submission.
Again, would I say I am naturally submissive ? no. Mostly because I don’t sit and think of myself in that light. Yes I suppose you can obviously categorize me as submissive due to the life we have decided to
attempt, I mean LIVE, but I don’t go around analyzing my submission any more, (outside of talking about it with like minded people periodically) Thank God. I just live my life. When I examine it, I find many things very easy to submit to. I do defer more than I do not….BUT I have to respect and trust those I defer to. I also question and argue at times, ultimately I suppose I submit. I will confess to feeling like a failure when I struggle to submit at times, maybe not in the emotional moment but soon after. I will also confess that there have been times for various reasons where I have talked myself OUT of submitting. In fact probably more times then having to talk myself into submitting.
B once said of me, ” You’re 100 % submissive 90% of the time” If these things deem me as a natural submissive in someone’s eyes so be it. I will also say that I am outspoken -given the right circumstances or you know, ‘inspiration’. I hold positions of minor ‘power’ in our community. I don’t like confrontation, but if need be it will happen. I like most of us I am complex, and confusing even to myself. I think sometimes when the term Natural Submissive comes out, people expect a door mat or a Stepford Wife. I’m not that. Though a swing dress is cute.
One of the key benefits of living D/s is acceptance. B expresses he requires certain things of me, that in turn proves he understands and accepts me for who I am. When he corrects me for not living up to those things, he shows me he will not tolerate me not being me. This is the greatest gift of this life. It allows me to accept myself because he accepts me and therefore I can feel free and unguarded with him and this allows our connection to deepen.
At this stage in our relationship the connection between us is all I really focus on. This connection is brought about greatly through our dynamic. As long as B sees me as me, a woman who happens to thrive in submission, both given to him and required by him, that is all that truly matters- here.
6 thoughts on “A Natural Submissive?”
Thanks for this Willie. I really enjoyed reading this and agree with the points you have made. I chose it for one of my reflective topics, not because it is something I think is important but because it is a term I hear bandied around in a competitive way, as if to suggest one is or isn’t and therefore one is more or less or better or worse. I don’t think it is a label that really means much and like most labels, in so my helpful up to a point. I liked your athlete apology too. Thanks missy x
Hi Missy. Sorry I took so long responding, life has thrown a few curve balls our way lately. I did try to comment on your post but my phone or WordPress froze and I lost the entire thing.
I think some labels are fine if they are kept broad,like the submissive label. I think the problem happens when we start to make sub categories, such as natural submissive or warrior princess submissive etc. It can cause divisiveness, as opposed to focusing on similarities and how to support one another.
Thanks for stopping by
Hey, Willie! Great to see you post your thoughts here! (Trying to comment for the 4th time now…… not sure my response is even worth the trouble! lol)
I don’t like the term in public either, but it was the most hurtful to me when it was implied to me in private by an (ex)trusted friend. But, the derision was about whether or not Storm was a natural dominant and if he wasn’t, then could he actually do this ttwd with me? Hmm…. well, my ass said YES. It’s a fine question that one asks himself/herself, but a dangerous one to inexperienced folks or ones that keep trying and failing and trying and failing…… although almost every D/s relationship that I know about has tried and failed completely or at least at some point or it is just an ongoing challenge. As a former serious athlete, I am in the camp of practice like crazy no matter how good you or anyone else thinks you are. And if they ask, “Are you any good,” my reply was “Why don’t you come to the game and see for yourself?” My words weren’t necessary and wouldn’t prove anything anyway.
I’m glad I have you in my corner (not that corner) when it comes to the philosophy of a power exchange being subjective. That takes a ton of stress off of me at least when I’m talking honestly with you.
I’m interested in your current (because you probably have posts about it from the past) thoughts on this nugget, ” I feel like unless submission ‘costs me something’ it isn’t submission, it is just me.” Care to expound?
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Hey Windy, sorry for the delayed response. I can try to explain, though I have before to others with not much success.
A lot of things many submissives view as of acts of service I’ve always done because I’ve been a stay at home wife for years. It’s my job. So if I am told to do something it doesn’t feel like an act of submission even if he is the one telling me. If he restricts my time while doing it for example that ‘costs’ me something. Though that is a lame example. But restrictions or physical limitations or reminders keep my submission in the forefront as opposed to just going about my day as outlined. That’s probably clear as mud. Lol
Terminology, semantics, all are stumbling blocks to a clarity we sometimes feel but which our native lexicon is ill-equipped to describe. “Natural submissive” is a term that at once seems to perfectly describe what we want to say, but simultaneously elicits troublesome objections: ‘so are others UNnatural submissives?’, ‘what, so submission comes easily for a natural, but others have to work at it?’, etc.
If we left off the ‘natural’, would we be describing anything different? I agree that categorizing ‘submissive’ is more divisive than inclusive. All categorization divides by definition. Perhaps it’s just better to describe what we feel under the simple tag of ‘submissive’ since that is complicated enough? The we can relegate “natural submissive” to those in a subordinate role in a nudist community. 😉
Well hello! I thought perhaps you had disappeared completely after your blog ordeal. I hadn’t seen you around, not that I’m actually around anymore.
I wrote this post because of another post I had read if Missy’s and blogger ate my wordy response on her blog .
Obviously I agree with you. Though as I said, personally I think when another Dom at D and L referred to me as such, it did help me to see myself differently when I needed to. Today I argue that categorization with him. Mostly because I can 😉.
Thanks for stopping by, and reminding me I even have a blog. Lol