Moving Toward to Deep Submissive Feelings ..then Wham! (But why?)

 Things used to be different, very different around here.  Despite what my husband believes I am not trying to romanticize the past.  We have had our struggles within the context of D/s and we have had our struggles in so many other aspects of our lives as well- I suspect the latter, especially now, is more comment than not with many these days. So I bought a dating book.

Can I blame the pandemic? In part, perhaps a bigger part than I am willing to admit as I do not work outside of our home and B works directly with the public.  Perhaps it is my ever fluctuating hormonal levels due to the slow transition into my father that has been occurring due to my age? But perhaps it is history repeating itself over and over again eroding trust and creating barriers that I had long thought were gone, or worse solidifying new ones for B?  Of course the simple answer would be to just plow through, and there is definitely merit to that- a great deal of merit.  However while plunging through may give instant results on the surface, the underlying issues that cause disconnect or confusion can still remain.   I discovered long ago I  need to know why I react or feel a certain way about something.  Trust me I truly wish I could just go with the flow and ride the wave to a better place not looking back- to me that seems most idealistic.

A little back story, years ago I used to be what I refer to as a ‘runner’.  Sadly, not in the ACTUAL, physical sense. I would run from my emotions.  I perfected it actually.  When I was a kid and well into my teens, my eyes would well up at even the slightest hint of a a serious conversation, especially with my Dad.  Anyway I won’t bore you with details, but tears were my deal, happy, angry, worried,  relieved, everything but sadness for some odd reason.  I trained myself to stop that.  Insert ttwd and for the first couple of years all of those tears I trained myself to hide came pouring out.  I know this isn’t unusual for those in the lifestyle.  Emotions take on an entirely new life of their own once we start.

Eventually life evened out and not only did I embrace certain emotions I flourished because of them.  It was during this time I wrote a post entitled Fear.  I mention this post because in it I write about The Core Gift Theory and I find myself with a greater understanding of it’s premise now than I did before.  While I wish I felt like I did when I wrote that post- in fact I’d give ANYTHING to feel that again, I know we have work to do in order for me to get there again. 

 I have a tendency to make my posts rather long so please forgive me for not explaining the above paragraph more and boldly suggesting you read it if you are curious so I can hopefully get to my point sooner- though no guarantees.  

So why did I buy a dating book? You can never be too prepared for the future and it’s options.  I’m kidding.  I bought it because I reread my old post discussing my Core Gift and the bullseye theory.  The Fear post basically talks about how I feel when I’m on the bullseye which is a wonderful idea, but currently I am not there and the dating book discusses how or why we react to not being there.  I needed to know and more importantly I think I needed B to know why I react to things the way I do.  Initially I believe that is why I bought the book, but now I need to know why so that I can accept it and not feel ashamed.  Let me  see if I can explain a bit better.  

The book I purchased after clicking along further on the Psychology Today blog when rereading my old post .I’m not saying necessarily that my Core Gift is my submission.  I actually haven’t finished the book or the work that goes along with it to determine what my core ‘gifts’ are.  What I can tell you is that through submission my core gifts, whatever they may be, are exposed. 

 

What does this have to do with submission if I am not sure submission it’s self is my core gift?  It has to do with how I react when my submission is brought to the surface.  A quote that resonated with me  was,

 “ our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts

( I’m too many years out of school to cite this reference, or numerous ones coming properly so forgive me plagiarism police).

When I am feeling like I am moving toward my submissive self in anyway, I can also feel the most hurt if something happens to pull me back from that direction.  I could argue that it should take me a long time to feel that deep hurt if I am longing to go into that direction, and for years it really did.  I set my track to my core and did everything and anything to try to keep my mind and heart focused on that area.  But life has a way of wearing you down at times and sadly I can say I haven’t been as resilient as I had hoped lately.

Along with things within our house that toyed with my journey, I would say that other things have played a huge part.  The book goes on to discuss how when we are in or near our Core, we attract like minded people and they are drawn to us as we are to them.  In a submissive context I can most certainly say this was without a doubt true for me. 

 I used to believe that my submissive/Dom friends augmented our dynamic through discussion when our dynamic slowed or struggled, and in part that is true, however I now view it differently.  Those relationships  more augmented me not my dynamic.  Their acceptance of my authentic self, not one I presented to others but who I really was, helped me stay closer to that self.  And I know the reverse was also true.  It was more than just believing in me when I couldn’t, it was feeling me when I became too afraid to feel and wanted to run to the outer circles away from my core. 

” When someone recognizes our gifts, those gifts are given licence to come alive, to become generous, expressive and brave. The truth is, we need each other in order to grow- learn” ( pg 9)

 I still have these friendships, it has just ‘been a year’ for everyone.  The conversations and revelations have been far different due to many distractions and lack of emotional energy because of them.  So a deep part of me feels like it has been on pause ( again why I became interested in this book to begin with).

What is it that I need B to understand, and what do I need to acknowledge so I can push past and recreate?   There is another zone outside of my core, Ken Page  calls this The Zone of Protection.  He goes on to say that while being in or closer to our core, we often ‘set up shop’ here.  It is a place where we can feel the heat of our core, but not be burned by it.  I’d definitely say I have been setting up shop here more and more over the past year, but thankfully haven’t moved into the furthest zone from my core.  Page explains:

“When our core gifts are touched, our reactions have a greater charge than usual, we may feel deeply inspired, highly emotional or surprisingly hurt”  

And as a result to being surprisingly hurt or highly emotional I leave my core area or my approaching journey toward it, usually by way of distancing followed by some sort of meltdown (I’m not proud, just honest )

In your relationships, you may become prone to becoming angry or distant, when you feel wounded around your Core Gifts. When you feel inspiration, validation, and acceptance around them you will shine” ( pg 38)

I feel a sense of loss when my submission is engaged,   and step 2 tends to be missing, or timely. 

 I shall give an example as opposed to just quoting this entire book.  Not too long ago B decided to use ice as a way for me to engage my submission.  He placed it in the usual spots, and it burned (not all sexual spots by the way) and then for whatever reason, he ran it all over my face, and lips. Again this was not a sexual thing.  For some reason, at the time unknown to me it deeply affected me.  When I start to become engaged in a significant way toward my submission, or my defenses/walls come down for those who don’t identify with the word, I tend to go very quiet for a while  especially later. B ,out of frustration not long after brought up how I was ‘not reacting’ to him.  He did not remember that as contradictory as it may be, me not reacting is actually me reacting in a very significant way. I felt crushed for many reasons.  Prior to his comment, I had so many things inside I needed to share and wanted to talk to him about- why it seemed so odd for me and what I had discovered.  Instead, that vanished.  The thoughts were there but the feeling of giving every last aspect of myself over to him was gone.

” Core Gifts are often things we are ashamed of – try to fix or hide”

“Also the place we love from most fully”

…and THIS

most of us have had minor or major “car crashes” around our gifts, because our deepest immaturities and greatest points of dysfunction usually surround these gifts. Without a good deal of hard work, we will keep making the same two basic mistakes around our Core Gifts: suppressing them or acting out (expressing them in ways that are harmful to ourselves and others) in connection with them. Whenever a gift hasn’t had a chance to mature, there will be a lack of grace in the way we express it, usually shown in behavior that is overly aggressive or unnecessarily timid.

“Our tears are a great gift because they reveal what matters most to us”

My take away from this is that my closing up isn’t a complete failure to accessing my core it is a sign that we are definitely on our way there, it is just that pushing on has stopped. I have to relearn some of my responses and trust that things will be fine despite what I feel in that moment. I have to push aside the fear and the insecurity and stop distancing and moving away from my core. It is far different now than it was years ago when I first wrote my post on Fear. Back then I had been in the centre of the bullseye and stayed very close to it. Sometimes it is worse to dip your toes in the water and then be pushed back up on shore. The same must be true for B. There was a time he stood solid where he was, even if he believed it was briefly- we differ in our memories here.

The solution? To acknowledge why it happens, when it happens but more importantly to try to stay in the good zone mentally and emotionally longer and longer each time. Ken Page claims, 

” These moments are more than merely moments, they actually portals” going on to say the more time we enter them the more our ability…”

I often look back, as I’m sure many do, at how wonderful an experience was for me, due to where I felt after. Sadly sometimes, almost like a sub drop, I crashed after and exploded eventually revealing the complete opposite to B. His take away then became that complete opposite not the amazing transformation occurring within me- and perhaps diminishing or rewriting his own experience. Those are times I sincerely regret and hope that we can learn to adjust to in the future.
We have been discussing this in segments as there is a lot to digest while working with this book.   If you are curious the book is called
  Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and  called Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy
Book by Ken Page

Accepting Myself Because of TTWD

It’s interesting what prompts one’s mind to write something.  I was trying to explain to someone the other day, that I can’t sit down and make up a post.  It either comes to me or it doesn’t.  Sometimes it begins and then vanishes as the day goes on.  I’d make a horrible author, that’s all I know. 

So what was my muse today? Something that has been in my head for a while, I just haven’t given it oxygen to grow- my submission and what this thing we do really does for me or means to me more accurately.  I’ve given bits and pieces of my thoughts over several blogs in the last couple of months.  Some interesting discussions have happened, and some out and out shutdowns occurred too.  LOL. I feel I may have already written about this a couple of years ago however.

For years I have read about and participated in many areas concerning ttwd and accountability.  What I am about to say no means is a criticism of anyone’s mindset or needs/desires. Accountability as a whole picture was never a good fit for me where Dd /D/s was concerned.  

Sure, that was the initial foray into ttwd for us, but it didn’t quite gel.  No doubt we had to go through that type dynamic in order to settle to where we are (or should be *wink*) now.  I’m not going to bore you with history and who I am or was like back then.  I will say that basically being punished was never about a clean slate for me, or even feeling remorseful because of it.  It was never a deterrent, and that isn’t a slag on Barney’s punishments.  Though, looking back I know it certainly appeared that way.

Somewhere along the way, ttwd became about acceptance.  The acceptance of me and my need.  Punishments were there for various reasons, so B could let it go being one of them.  Of course at the start of all of this, he didn’t feel that way.  At the start the reluctant punishment was something he ‘just had to do’.  For me punishments were an exclamation point to his convictions .Odd thing to say right after I said he did them because he had to isn’t it? That’s how confusing it all was back then for me.  I felt like he did it because he had to, yet I ALSO felt that it was his way of showing me that he meant it.  Of course I probably read too much into that at the time- which no doubt contributed to a LOT of misunderstandings, which led to hurt feelings and frustrations for all.

For years now, punishments have meant something different.  Now they mean that B will not accept anything other than my submissive self.  They still aren’t a deterrent, mostly because I tend to break rules when I am emotional not because I forget or don’t care.  Well truthfully at the time I don’t care- because I’m emotional. LOL.   By him choosing to punish me for broken rules, which can range from disrespect to not asking for something, he is actually telling me that he sees I am not who he wants me to be.  This is not a Stepford Wife type thing, it is actually about accepting my authentic self.  If he accepts me as a submissive, he won’t accept me as NOT one.  This in turn makes it easier for me to accept myself.  

 So why not just live that way if it is my ‘authentic self’ ?  Good question.  For a long. long time, I did.  I actually probably ‘over submitted’ in many ways, and I did so with less consistency than Barney has shown since.  Somewhere along the line something changed, and I will write about that soon, ( I hope, I still haven’t written about the darn yo yo so don’t hold your breath LOL). Suffice to say, moving slightly to the right of my authentic self is a protection method that doesn’t work out well.  It causes confusion for B and further hurt and loneliness for me. Loneliness because I miss myself and my willingness to connect on a deeper level.

In case you didn’t already know, there is no real ‘arrival’ in Ttwd.  

It does fluctuate.  Life throws curve balls, illness, pandemics, job loss, momentary loss of sanity, menopause, MAN-o-pause.   Perhaps one person grows, and the other lags behind? Whatever the reason, it can cause a different type of disfunction or hurt, or coping mechanisms.  Perhaps we tell ourselves things we believe we need to to get by- and eventually if left unchecked we can find ourselves a little further away then we’d like to be from our little Struggling Utopia that we were constructing. 

B obviously has his own reasons for wanting a D/s lifestyle, and they have changed considerably since we started this back in 2012. Maybe some day I can convince him to share what he has discovered or what he ‘gets’ from ttwd now, beyond fulfilling a need for his wife. Basically,  back then he tried this because I asked him to. I didn’t even realize it was a need.  I explained that apparently it brought a closer connection to those who did it, and that is what I wanted most of all.

  We had a difficult time on the onset creating rules ( and yes I said we- that changed to HIM toward the end of the first 6 months) because he couldn’t think of anything he wanted to change. I know right? What a perfect wifey I must have been.  And in truth in many ways I was better on the surface than I am now.  I did my thing, made sure he was taken care of and  I RARELY swore (oh man has that changed.  Nothing like a good F bomb when one is ‘inspired’).  It was difficult to find where we could incorporate Dd rules into our dynamic, until he discovered DISTANCING.  Oh boy, yeah that was a challenge for me- also because he was so used to me distancing, that it was difficult for him to spot.  Anyway, rules weren’t a big portion of our dynamic, but resets were.  It was through these that I discovered I could let down my guard and surrender to him.  In a way they supersized my submission, which often caused more issues- I kid you not.  BUT the discovery was made and from that things began to grow.   Unfortunately so did the emotional risk, apparently for both of us. That however is for another post. 

Continuity- The Best C- word (for us)

I know I said in my last post that it was sort of a precursor to another post, The Yo-yo of Ttwd ( working title LOL), and it will be. However, my mind is preoccupied and that particular post in no longer in the forefront of it. Seeing how I haven’t written in soooo long, aside from novels on other people’s posts, I don’t think I have the capability to force a post out. When I started blogging, and for many years the posts just popped into my head, and would reside there until I typed them out. I think I’m out of practice. lol

Speaking of when I started blogging, or rather ttwd ( which are one in the same ), the word consistency was written about everywhere-that and the dreaded OTHER C-word, *communication*. Both very valid words to live by, with the Dom and the sub holding up their part by being consistent and communicating with each other. But as we have clicked along, more further away from a strictly Dd dynamic, I noticed another C-word, ( still not that one) popping into our lives, Continuity. Years ago I wrote a post (Moving from Supporting to Cultivating Submission) . In it I tried to describe how we morphed to proactive, from mostly reactive within our dynamic.. I suppose this post is a little along that line and why continuity is every bit as important if not MORE so in our dynamic now than consistency.

No doubt everyone recognizes consistency is the best way to achieve success in this dynamic, especially when one first starts out. It definitely forms a foundation from which to build up on. It creates a security and believability that both parties genuinely want this. In many ways it is the push that has both partners taking great strides along their dynamic’s pathway. I also know it is an area we have struggled mightily in. Even today, ESPECIALLY today with a pandemic raging and natural disasters, on top of all the normal every day goings on, consistency can be a challenge. Emotional exhaustion can take it’s toll on consistency for some. That being said, a good foundation of consistency can allow the dynamic to coast a long for a good while without it, each realizing that when things slow down, it will return to normal. With that bit of preachiness out of the way, I want to explain to you my view on the value of continuity in our dynamic

Because I think in images, and analyze in analogies, I view continuity like a Dot to Dot picture. Depending on where we are in our dynamic, and I don’t mean experience wise, I mean mentally and emotionally, the Dot to Dot diagram can either appear:

Simple



Or stupidly complex





So what exactly does this mean? I view each ‘act’ done by either myself or Barney as a dot on the page toward creating a picture that we both long to see within our relationship dynamic. These are tangible thing we can both see, and experience.


For this analogy I am going to stick with acts that Barney has brought forth. Let’s use an overly simple and fictitious example of placing dots during a day.


1) I wake up to a communication on my phone from B telling me what he expects me to do in the morning before he gets up – (dot)

2) When he gets up he tells me to assume some position for him while his coffee brews (dot)
( I always get his coffee set up and serve it to him, so there is no dot for that, but perhaps a pre-drawn line to the next dot. That being said, if he decides that day to get his own coffee, it can erase the line for me)

3) We enter the living room to have a discussion, in which he reminds me to sit in a certain place and way ( two dots close together because the sitting is a protocol but his words and reminders help place the dot)

4) After there are specific instructions on what to do (dot)

5)Following rituals he has set out, and/or calling out misbehaviour or slip ups on my part- perhaps leaving the room without asking first (dot)

6) Some role affirmation- could be holding a painful position, could be pain, could be sexual service ( dot)

7) B making sure his instructions are being followed throughout the day while he is home, or limiting my time, space (dot)

8) Instructions for when he is at work – perhaps a writing exercise or another submissive exercise, ( holding a position while reflecting on something for a certain amount of time let’s say – or computer / electronic device denial or approval) (dot)

9) Following specific routines for bedtime or his return home (dot)



Those dots look heavy for poor Barney

All of these dots are placed and ideally lead to the full picture of submission/dominance within our dynamic. But let’s say only ‘one’ dot is placed, or 3 but hours upon hours apart? What then? Well the latter depends on the day, but the former merely creates a pocket of D/s. A moment in time. Some days this has to suffice because life isn’t perfect These are just examples there are many subtilties that help move that pencil along from dot to dot during the day, but for the most part without feeling each others presence throughout the day, or week, the picture is not created. It feels more like situational D/s, which in time can lead to feeling like it’s a game or worse not worth the effort for me. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you the problems that can occur when you feel like your dynamic is losing ground, especially if only one feels that way.

B may not need all the dots in order to see (feel) the big picture, or vice versa . Often he can place a few dots and believes he sees the finished product. Unfortunately for me that isn’t always the case. I need the little dots to allow myself to believe the picture is actually what he sees.


Sounds like a lot of work for B doesn’t it? And perhaps you’re correct in seeing it that way. However, in this analogy I would say that my submission is the pencil that follows the dots along. A missed dot can halt the forward progress, or my submission can move forward to a dot further along creating a less than perfect line for the picture, but a line nevertheless. My lack of submission can also remove an intended dot on the page. This may destroy the picture all together.




My long winded analogy is to say at this point in our dynamic, more than the consistency of reacting to my actions or lack thereof,  we,* I* need continuity. It allows me to feel his dominance and control. By linking the pieces of the day together it emphasizes the big picture of our dynamic in a way that feels more authentic to me. A feeling of authenticity allows my submission to feel less guarded and accepted by both of us. He feels successful and at peace with his dominance and I feel freedom and acceptance in my submission.

With that we create our complete picture.


        Sounds simple enough doesn’t it?

                                 Pfft!




Trust me there are still a lot of days like this one


                                Lol!

Continue reading “Continuity- The Best C- word (for us)”

Personality Trait I Need to Overcome to Grow My Submission

Barney has (more in the past than of late) given me written submissive exercises.  I find the the reflection they require, depending of course on the subject matter greatly helps me keep in touch with who I am and who I desire to be.  

This was one given to me well over a year ago- I thought I’d share here.

 What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?

Respond to assignment in a minimum 300 words.  To be completed for me before 10 pm tonight.  Leave computer on island for me to read when I get home.

*****

Initially when I read this assignment the first word that came to my mind was stubborn. However, I believe that in the case of Dd my stubbornness is actually strength more times than not for keeping us afloat- or at least it was during the onset of Dd. Naturally stubborn wasn’t the word I would end up choosing.

In my quest for choosing, I thought I would create a list; actually thinking this list in it’s entirely would make it into my writing. While I stared at the aforementioned list (argumentative, aloof, stubborn, condemnatory, fearful) it occurred to me that all of these traits stemmed from one specific area. PRIDE.

The definition I first came across to illustrate my point did anything but, “having a high opinion of one’s self” . Yeah not so much. I can and do sometimes take pride in things I have done, but the pride that stands in my way of my submission isn’t that type of pride. I then took to the internet abandoning traditional definitions to find someone who perhaps could explain better than I how pride can stop us from truly being ourselves.

I ended up finding many things on various religious sites. The best explanation I can come up with how pride cripples my growth is this: Pride tends to keep our own weaknesses, mistakes and regret to ourselves. I am no stranger to this. It is pride that keeps me from talking to you concerning my fears, my insecurities, and my needs. It is pride that stops me from submitting. I may become argumentative, and condemnatory, justifying that I didn’t submit because I am fearful of what will happen tomorrow, but if I examine it, it is truly because of pride. I don’t want to face my weaknesses, at least during those times. Often when I am alone, I have every intention of sharing with you the next time I see you. The moment you walk through the door, upon reflection, it is as if I find fault with things so I can convince myself not to share; to close up. As you can also see, I can become condemnatory. By doing so I don’t have to look at my faults and therefore admit to myself that I am not as submissive (anymore) as I once was.

Pride is a force field of sorts. It prevents me from being humble, and therefore stops the next step -vulnerability (which is why certain humbling exercises work well with women). Deep in my heart, okay not even that deep, when we are in a horrible place I KNOW I am the primary reason for it. Sure, I NEED you to pull out my vulnerability in able for me to not be so proud, to be raw with you, but I am the one who hides behind pride. The fear of embarrassment is too strong- not always from you but embarrassment of self.

I think that is perhaps why I get so upset now when we aren’t on course. I know I have it in me to be UBER submissive, and it isn’t that I need you to make me be submissive, it is that I need you to break down all those insecurities that allow my pride to protect me. At the start of Dd it was seemed easier to not be so prideful, on so many levels. The first being that I wasn’t that ‘deep’ into submission, I didn’t have the expectations of self I do now- mostly because I hadn’t felt it as I have; The next being the obvious failure as of late. The more I fail the more I am afraid to fail, therefore refusing to look inward in the presence of you or sharing faults with you instead focusing on what you aren’t delivering as opposed to what I am not protects the reality from surfacing.

I need your help on this there is no denying it. If only I could be open with you as I am with myself in quiet moments. If only I would share with you my thoughts and feelings- the very quiet ones that don’t fixate on you. It seems I have lost that ability to drop the pride. I suppose perhaps my pride is there because I feel like one of us to be ‘all together’ because of our past in ttwd..and even if I am NOT, I must keep up the appearance that I have all the answers. After all I am the one who brought this to our doorstep. I can’t be the one who fails at it.

Moving From Supporting to Cultivating My Submission

I wrote this post for blogger a couple of years ago. For now I think I’ll repost a few of my old posts here before diving in. A little self preservation perhaps

A lot of what I am about to write may not be relatable to many, or perhaps insulting to some.  That isn’t my intent.  This is merely my take on our adventure thus far. Several years ago I brought Dd to my husband, what has transpired since I know neither one of us could have foreseen.  Yes, all the great and wonderful things you read about that Dd brings to a relationship happened, as well as many not so wonderful things. Those of you who have been following along  over the last 4 plus years,are more than aware of the numerous stumbling blocks we have encountered.  I know for a fact we are certainly not unique in those ‘hiccups’.  But that isn’t what I want to process today.

I would like to say that somewhere along the line we gradually morphed from a Dd relationship to a D/s one.  Truth be told since starting Dd, ( as it was pointed out to me a couple of years ago) we have always been in a D/s relationship.  I know many out there in a Dd relationship still think of D/s as a sex based life, and perhaps you always will.  For those who know us, and those we know who identify themselves as a stronger D/s relationship than Dd alone,  we strongly believe that you need to have D/s to have Dd. This belief is founded by the fact you have to submit ( the small ‘s’ on the right side of the slash) to the Dominant ( the big D) for your punishment/spanking whatever.  You don’t have to agree with me, that is fine.  I just want you to know what our interpretation of this is before I continue.

When we started Dd, and for perhaps the first year Barney’s role was actually one of support.  That is not too say he was not the growing leader.  His role however, after expectations were established,was one that was reactionary.  For example, if I did or did not do abc, I ideally could expect xyz.  If he noticed I was drifting away, he would react accordingly ( on occasion) to bring me back.

I spent the better part of two years discovering who I truly was, and then accepting it.  Initially when I first discovered the Dd lifestyle I longed for the closeness I had read about between couples that Dd created. In  those first couple of years we had the benefit of meeting several Dd couples who were further along in their adventure than us.  I remember Barney and I talking after one such vacation about a friend of ours and how he and I both hoped that I would be able to turn to him with the depths  she turned to her husband.  In the end we concluded she and I were different women and it probably wasn’t going to happen.

We were wrong!  Thank goodness for that because it is wonderful (when it IS wonderful that is).  What changed?  Our methods for reaching  the core of me for one, but before that, our perception of me.  The latter point, however is another post…one I have written on my blog in various ways before.

OKAY FINALLY getting to my point. We changed our methods (an ongoing struggle by the way).  Or perhaps more accurately we embraced what was already there and allowed that to be the focus.  Barney (after much conversation, heartache and struggles on both our parts) began to understand that being proactive as opposed to reactionary was a far better way to allow me to be who we both desired.  I suppose I should reword that.  I haven’t changed at all in many ways.  In some ways I have become much, much more feisty than before.  However, that is the whole of me.  Not always the BEST of me, but it is the authentic me. Those feisty episodes generally surface when I have felt hurt (not necessarily that Barney HAS hurt me, but I have felt hurt).  Those times aside, I am weightless.  I am not carefree by any means.  I just see things for the way they are.  Anxiety does not alter my perception.  I can view many things much more positively.  The most beneficial part is the feeling that I radiate from within.  There are no shields to protect me, because I don’t require them. THAT is who we want me to be.

Sure I get hurt.  Sometimes far more than I ever did before, but I FEEL…oh do I feel.  It is most definitely a double edge sword, but one I will risk. .

Back to proactive.Barney said not too long ago that he will always want to support me in my submission.  Well……… that actually didn’t go over so well. I do want my husband to be supportive of me in many, many areas of my life.  Where I don’t actually require support is in my submission.  Hear me out. Perhaps I am splitting hairs, but the slight distinction has made a big difference for us. As far as my submission goes,  I own it.  I know who I am. I came to that conclusion a while ago. Prior to that I did need him to support me in my discovery. I am (most days) very comfortable with who I am and where I want to be/stay. He can’t MAKE me submissive. What I need him to continue to do, and this isn’t always easy due to life and reality beyond our small bubble, is to CULTIVATE my submission.  I need him to help create an environment that continues to allow me to embrace my core. When he cultivates there is no need to support (though I realize you can argue the support is implied) because I am flourishing.  There are no long term doubts.  Not to say there are not struggles.  But that is part of the cultivation process.

So what does that look like?  Well I could give specifics but everyone is very different. Honestly I am very different from day to day…week to week. A great deal of it has to do with removing bits of control from my grasp. Some days it is as simple as giving me tasks.  I don’t need a list to accomplish things (though I don’t by any means fault those who do), but there is joy to be found for me in accomplishing things that HE wants.  I still accomplish what I want – after his needs.  Most of the time his needs are things I would have already done anyway, but the fact that he sat down and thought about what he wanted and why means something to me. In a way it gives me permission to be submissive, (which one could argue is also a supportive aspect).  It allows me to see that my submission is important to him,and that is of the utmost importance to me. It also gives him a less abstract way of seeing my submission.

Those household task lists help keep me where I need to be, but they do not ‘bring me’ to where I need to be.  Helping me get closer to my core comes from things that are more challenging.  For poor Barney this generally means becoming more creative.  Some days it means humbling me, not humiliating but stripping me of my armour.  This can be physical, but more often than not he has to claim my mind before he can claim my submissive heartset again.  Generally it means taking me out of my comfort zone.  It doesn’t always have to be a grandiose gesture.  Some days it can be as simple as bathing me.  YUP….for whatever reason that simple act softens me.  See?  Not so kinky.  Though there are other times where….well I’m not going to write about that!  *wink*.

Asking for things, and not feeling that the answer is ALWAYS going to be yes is another more ‘tame’ way he cultivates my submission.  Let me tell you, I really ‘fail’ at this, and OFTEN.  It is as if the question gets caught in my throat.  Generally it comes out as, ” I’d really like another coffee”.  Some days I get a flat out ‘no’.  Other days I am on the receiving end of, ” Well perhaps you should ASK me then”.  If he is feeling generous, which is most times, he will respond with ” Are you ASKING me?” If I am to be truthful the last one doesn’t cultivate my submission much, but then again neither am I because I should just bite the damn bullet and ask.  Often I will forgo asking and do without. THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE ASKING…LOL  I am aware..stupid..I want it, but I don’t-

Conquering the battle within is my burden,creating that battle is his . AND THAT is how he cultivates my submission.