Things around here have slowly begun to change, mostly the physical component. That is not to say that there isn’t a rebound effect due to the physical. It is definitely a move in the right direction, and the move that B has initiated of his own volition.
Normally I find it very difficult to not look into the past and long for those days. I wish there was some switch to flick to bring us back/forward to the way things once were. For some reason this time, I think I am letting it take its course. I’m concerned though, because I have no idea how long this ‘accepting’ me will be- well accepting. I hope I don’t do anything to ‘clip’ B’s “wings”.
A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine and I had a rather tense exchange. They lectured and I ….well tried to diffuse the situation. After the dust settled, and let me tell you there was definitely dust, I took to heart a thing or two they had said. Most of it was BS ( lol) but some of it was useful. Perhaps this is why I am okay this time? Or perhaps it is one step in the course of many that has helped.
B has been more physical the last week or so. While I realize a week does not make a dynamic successful, it has probably been the longest stretch he’s had in a considerable amount of time.
After a discussion we had, he decided to reset me. This is a challenge because we have other adults at home, who are rarely gone at the same time. It was decided he would use silent implements and tactics. Honestly these are not always the best to get me where I need to go, but something was most likely better than nothing. He also decided to have me in a position that he normally uses for his own benefit, or as we refer to it as, “ taking”.
It didn’t go according to plan, though it did have potential. After was a bit of a, ‘sh*t Show” comes to mind. It opened an emotional tidal wave, for both of us. I was very concerned that this would be the end of his attempt. B is not fond of where I can go after a physical ‘fail’. It’s horrible being left in that world. He tries to explain how he too is vulnerable after, and his response is to retreat and regroup. Mine is to push forward, and come to a resolution as soon as possible. Obviously these 2 needs to not mesh well at all.
At the risk of becoming even wordier, I will skip forward to the days following. After a discussion, that came too painfully long for my needs, but nevertheless happened, the next day he tried again. This time he used a different position- one that didn’t remind him of ‘taking’ and was more willie-scentric, if you will. I circled subspace, though I didn’t ‘fly away’. It did work wonders for the figurative ‘tightness of my skin”, not so much the physical tightness as I was extremely swollen. I believe it also helped B.
Years ago, this would have brought on a tsunami of submission. I cannot say that happened, but a bit of peace has washed over me. I find myself trying to embrace what I refer to as Silent Submission. Once upon a time, this was not something I needed to embrace, it was like breathing. In fact if I didn’t Silently Submit, I felt a huge weight upon me.
For me,Silent Submission is submitting to things and expectations that B would never know if I did or didn’t do, unless he asked. He does not expect me to self-report. That was established in the first year. For us it isn’t beneficial. It feels too contrived ( again, for us….I know it works wonders for others). Some simple examples of Silent Submission : Using a step ladder instead of a chair, or climbing on things to grab things out of my reach; Waiting until a certain hour to get ready for bed; Being in bed by a certain time, with devices off by another time. ( B works long and late hours often). The list goes on…. Having his coffee set up before I take a sip of mine is not a requirement, but it was something I used to do to keep him in mind first thing in the morning when he was still sleeping.
I have been trying to put into practice the things that once were second nature to me. I cannot say my submission has been freed the way I long for it to be yet. I have been very guarded for so long, and when I have thinned those walls in the more recent past it hasn’t gone well ( think emotional tidal wave again. I am using a lot of Ocean references for a person who has self diagnosed as having Thalassophobia).
I am also trying to manifest the right things as opposed to building upon the misery we were in. I think we both got into a negativity cycle where our relationship was concerned. We’d fixate on what went wrong, (me) or how it could go wrong ( B). I suppose it was a defence mechanism,protecting us from the unavoidable pain that was inevitably heading our way. Growth or regrowth rather, tends to come with a lot of pain for us (no pun intended). We both have scars, some of which have healed. Those are not really the issue. It has been how the unavoidable abrasions quickly remind us of existing scars. Sometimes, even taking us right back to those times. Obviously those issues need to be rectified, not pushed aside in order to move forward. This problem has been that we have often fixated on that as opposed to shelving it until we were in a better state of mind to discuss it.
So that’s the underlying issue as I see it. While it takes 2 of us to fix that, it only takes me to reinvest in my submission on some levels. The first step being submitting to the ‘silent’ things, thus changing my mindset and hopefully setting myself free. I still openly submitted to B during our difficult times, but for my own submissive heart set I need to not get in my own way … .and continue to Silently Submit.
I swear I do have an original post swirling around in my head concerning the topic of abandonment, I just can’t seem to have a clear head these days to focus on that.
Conversations with Olivia and nora have had me thinking about ways to express the feeling of abandonment and it’s an area B doesn’t exactly grasp – so writing it can be twofold. Until that time, I thought I’d share this post from 2013.
As only Roz would know about this time in our lives, if she can even remember the sweet woman has followed and commented on so many blogs in the last 10 years, I’ll give you a bit of background.When I joined the Blogger, blogging community I was fortunate enough to hitch my wagon to some pretty remarkable people. A year later we ended up hosting 2 couples at a cabin not far from where we live. Their blogger names were Ian/Lillie and MM/ Susie.
I was VERY nervous about the entire extended weekend. My nerves were a bit about hosting, as they were flying in so I planned and prepared the menu as well as our itinerary for sightseeing etc. My real nerves were about measuring up if you will. They had been living a Dd life a lot longer than we had, and seemingly they had taken to it like Ducks to Water. That is not to say they didn’t have struggles, but they were consistent. At the time I considered us Dd lite or Poster Children of Dysfunctional Dd. On top of it all, I had knowledge about one woman that the other did not. She was very nervous that she would feel like a 3rd wheel between the other woman and myself. That awareness weighed heavily on me.
I am posting this because in it I discuss hiding myself behind masks. Perhaps Shadow work, perhaps not, but Olivia’s posts of late reminded me of this one. It reminded me of a lot of posts from the first few years of Dd D/s, but this one popped into my head first.
Goodbye Walls- Hello Masks ( December 2013)
I am no longer a person who builds new walls. Oh to be certain I have many walls still constructed within me, but I have laid down my mortar. Ever the one to adapt however, I have picked up a new ‘habit’, ‘coping skill’- that isn’t! I have realized in situations (that I may construct in my OWN mind) I am the wearer of many masks. Ian may have suggested this is a method of control. After I kicked him, I may have admitted he was right . ( I did actually shove this 6 foot something man with my foot when we were sharing the loveseat during this discussion lol)
During our time at the cabin, when we were not having indepth Dd/s conversations around the fireplace,I felt it would be best if I kept busy to give some friends time to be with each other. So that brings me to my first mask ( written in 3rd person back then, I think because it was easier for me):
The Martha Stewart/Keep Busy Mask. Now this is a very complicated mask. You see, being the ‘host’ of a get-together, I actually have to BE this person, which by the way I not only thrive in I love….LOVE. However, when I ‘do’ this , whether it is with friends or family get together, or a holiday like Christmas, I isolate myself. Inevitably people come to help and force themselves on me, but I unwittingly start to withdraw. Making excuses even to myself why I need to be there. Most likely because I can’t relax if there are ‘things undone’. The problem with sporting this mask is, you are ‘going it alone’. Everyone else, even if they are in the same room with you, are making connections with each other. Maybe they know they are, maybe they don’t. Maybe you are? Maybe you aren’t. Usually when you are wearing the Keep Busy Mask, you don’t have time to think about much else. But that is the point now isn’t it?
As time goes on. You find yourself reaching for this mask more and more. I mean really no one needs to rearrange things THAT often. Why do you do this? Because you have isolated yourself. Emotionally . I am not saying for my most recent vacation specifically, just realizing what I have done in the past.
This mask inevitably leads to wearing another mask….
The Curt/Sarcastic B*tch. The person now has managed to feel hurt, all on her own. No one created the situation, but herself. Now there is hurt inside- which if you have been following along in this most excellent ‘adventure’ turns to anger. Why? Because that doesn’t hurt as much. So now one individual is a target. Usually someone who is ‘irking’ the mask wearer for whatever reason, valid or not. Bits of ire come out. Maybe those around you don’t notice, but in truth it doesn’t matter because the shrew you feel inside is there and you feel horrid later. Perhaps it is the husband, or the guy who just showed up to the party wearing offensive cologne. There is no real rhyme or reas
The problem with these two masks are at night, there is no one to b*tch at. There is no more cooking, or planning to be done. What there IS – reflections of the day. How you weren’t true to yourself. How the people around you only caught glimpses of the real you. Or worse, saw part of you that basically doesn’t truly exist.
This lends itself to other issues. The basic mental mutilation of your own character. How could you let yourself distance so much within? You want so desperately to be ‘you’ and yet you found a way to get away from your core. There have been many a night in the past where I have sobbed myself to sleep because of these detrimental thoughts. Or ran a bath during the day in order to steal some time away to sob. I mean literally sob not cry. These are ‘new’ coping skills as there is no wall to truly hide behind anymore.
The problem with wearing masks is the desire to connect is still there. Suppose you have a family member who has a similar ‘need’ that you do. Perhaps they ‘require’ physical reassurance from other family members. You put your
I Don’t Like People Invading My Personal Space Mask on. As the evening progresses, they are hugged, and have had their shoulders rubbed. Maybe someone is holding their hand. All the while you are wearing your mask. The mask is for those who can see your outside, but the inside is still hurting. So out comes Martha Steward/Keep Busy Mask or The Curt/Sarcastic B*tch Mask. Further perpetuating the ‘myth’ you have already created with the ‘don’t touch me vibe’. Everyone is just giving you exactly what you have told them.
NOW here is the catch to THAT one. Since starting ttwd, when your husband/Dom falls for these masks because you are now outside of the 4 cosy walls of home or because company in yours, the loneliness builds. This time however it is a feeling of aloneness that is crippling. You have removed your walls and there is nowhere to hide except behind these masks. While masks are great at concealing your face, they offer no protection for your core.
Barney and I have experienced this in our recent past. He has admitted that when we are on vacation, like last spring, or in the summer, or if we have company, or the kids are distracting, he ‘forgets’ , in his words, “How fragile you really are“. Is this new? No, but him seeing it is. Or rather me allowing him to see it is.
He forgets that he has to seek me out, because I will go into a mode. ( Or for the purpose of this post, put on a mask). The ‘mode’ usually involves a vibe that is independent and not needy or soft. We know, collectively, that the more independent I am, the more I really do need him. Although to be fair that certainly isn’t a vibe you would feel. It is one that needs to be remembered by both of us. You see, because in the moment neither one of us remember.
Right, so why bring this up now? Well like I said we recently had many wonderful and in-depth conversations with others about ttwd. Barney was able to see through them where we came from and where he would like to be headed. What he wants for me. What he wants for us. He has literally grown as a HoH ( edit: term once used in Dd blogs, for Head of House- no clue if it’s still used) in the past few months. I think he understood it before our conversations this past week, but the dots weren’t always connected. Or the pattern within the dots didn’t make a complete picture for him.
Now I believe it does. The other day we were about to have a reconnection spanking. This had been put off a day because my husband had declared that I was far too fragile at the time to be put in a state of physical vulnerability as well. I have to say, I have said, “I want to be cherished but not considered to be made of glass”. This fragility was entirely different. In the past he would have been like this:
Present day
” Are you alright? Do you think you are ready for this? “
” Okay I understand that. I think we need to do this. It seems to do something to you. To calm you when you are hurting like this”
“I don’t know”
“okay”
He then proceeded to let me veto implements. While I was in position, he didn’t really let up. In the past if he thought we were in a good place, or if he thought I was hurting he wouldn’t have much conviction behind his actions. I have to say this was one of the most caring spankings I have ever had. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like he doesn’t love me any other time, just a genuine sense of love this time. He stopped for quite a while after about 25 minutes. He asked me a few more questions about the changes in our relationship. Judging by my answers, he decided to continue. So yeah, the next portion was 15 minutes of FULL attention! LOL. Before he ended he said something to me that makes cry still today,
” After listening Ian to talk , I realized I have never told you this before. I need you. I mean really need you. I don’t mean as a wife or as a mother of my children. I mean I need YOU. This thing we do does that. We need this. It gives you to me. “
*******
I am going to include the comments made from the other couples that were there,not because they were sweet but so maybe you can see what they saw vs what I thought was projected out or the difference of how I felt inside to what they saw?
Comments:
Willie,
We all wear masks. The problem with many people is that they become so accustomed to wearing the masks that people expect of them, they no longer recognize themselves under it.I know after Lillie and I spent the weekend with you and Barney, Susie and MM, you will only take off your mask for people who you can absolutely trust – like your husband.From what I saw, you have the perfect person in your life to help you ease that mask off when you are ready to let go – Barney is exactly what you need. He balances you perfectly.As far as judging yourself as withdrawn, I didn’t see that, Willie, I only saw a loving, amazing woman with a man who would die for her….sort of like MM and Susie and well, Lillie and I.
You are in good hands, little Timbit, mask or no mask.
Love, Ian
Wow Willie, this is an amazing post. i guess we all do wear masks but most of us don’t recognise it. It is great to read how far barney has come. Also is that Ian as in Lillie and Ian commenting above me . If so hello to you both and I hope you are well
Hi Jan :)This is an amazing post, isn’t it. Really hits a familiar chord in all women who try to be everything to everyone and put their own needs aside for others……basically most women I know. We are the mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, nurturers and caregivers of society, but under it all, as our little Willikins says so well, we are women that hunger, that need. I guess that is why coming out of that proverbial spanky closet is so very difficult for us all. :)I loved this post in that it speaks to that place we all go to hide from everything, to put our selves aside – but who we are really hiding from? Ourselves, of course. Isn’t it the greatest irony, that in speaking our desires, giving voice to our submissive selves, we are empowered.Okay…..enough from me.Lovely post.
Lillie
Susie:I understand more now…about the ways in which you were hurting. I can see some of the masks. I can also see how hard you are on yourself. I’d tell you to knock it off but it’s a trait we have in common. It’s part of what marks you as one who perseveres. I was aware but unable to act, I think because I am used to giving you space when you are struggling, waiting till you are able to talk before I invade. It’s fairly easy to do when we are a million miles away from each other. It’s a lot harder to do when you are together. I regret it though…because you deserved more. I did my own withdrawing, retreating into anxiety so if nothing else, I do understand the turmoil. I think next time I would choose to have more gumption b/c I know our friendship can withstand it.As MM and I have talked this week, reflecting together, we realize not only how special the time was, but how emotionally intense it was. He said “Where have these people been…these old friends who we’ve only been with once or twice?” He doesn’t say stuff like that. That’s how connected he felt with all of us. You were the host–you and Barney created the space that allowed us to have that time and connection. Thank you.Willie–the complexity of who you are–the fragility, the deep commitment to friendship, your never-give-up drive in your marriage–make you absolutely incredible. I’m not gumming at you…it’s absolutely true. What Ian said about what he observed is right on. There are a lot of people in my life who I enjoy. There are not a lot of people in my life with your depth and I appreciate it immensely.Barney’s words made me cry. There’s a gentleness and strength in your husband that compliments you. He’s such a good man. It just makes me smile
willie:
I am unsure how to respond to this comment. Would we have done a couple of things differently? Perhaps- but knowing TODAY what we know, maybe not. It was a time for growth. It was necessary even if we look at it as unnecessary..LOL. My perspective of events keeps changing the more time I spend reflecting, and stepping away from the emotional/hormonal state.What hasn’t wavered in my mind and heart- this time together was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life before. ( Confusing to the casual reader considering the topic of this post, I’m sure). I would normally, jokingly say, ” once a person knows your husband spanks you what else is there to hide” but it was so much more complex than that. Now that the Cowboy ( what I used to call Ian) let the cat out of the bag, I may write a post on the emotions surrounding the 5 nights. Yet I am unsure if I can accurately describe it.I will say, to over simply things for a moment, that when you are with a group of people who know where the bodies are buried and accept you- REALLY accept you for who you are, there is no better feeling than to be in that room. There was such a freedom I had never experienced before. I said to Lillie today, – swimming with a bathing suit has always been great, but once you do it naked, you wonder how you ever thought swimming with a suit was refreshing.As for Barney and I creating an atmosphere? We only found the place and organized the food. With different people there, it would have had an entirely different atmosphere! I know I tease you two about being the expert on sisters. The truth of the matter in my case, as much as I love my sisters, there is still a familial expectation placed upon us. I like this newer family of sisters, and as you stated, OLDER ( hey I can’t be all SAP) brothers. We came formed to this family and everyone said it’s okay.Okay now, hold the phone here! ” a gentleness and strength in your husband that complements you” LIKE a perfect FOIL?????? *wink*Love ya ~ now stop being so hard on yourself! You know I would have brushed you off! Pffft!!! Hmmm. I feel I may have to construct a new mask, the ” Sure you can hug me Susie” mask.
It always amazing me, yet it really shouldn’t, how people tend to get their defenses up when it comes to certain words. That is what inspired me to write this post back in 2019. I was in a chat room and a Dom friend of mine used the word obedient. My word you should have heard the cried of various women in there ! Some even went so far as to mention they were not the family dog ( guess they are not into pet play 😉)
I began pondering why the word did not offend me. Somehow this post was born out of those musings. I thought of this post today after B and I had a discussion this morning and his plans became thwarted because of said discussion. I then thought, what the heck, I might as well share with you, as well as him.
Submissive Spirit Brought On By Obedient Action (2019)
Obedience or obey is not something I have ever balked at. The definition is clear and at no point in the definition does it say it is a prerequisite to be mindless to obey or be obedient in nature. I have always been obedient, for the most part. I am not a rule breaker. Well, not in any great way. I do drive over the speed limit at times- marginally. I did drink before I was of age. But as a whole, I have always followed rules. The one exception would really be ‘conventional norms’ or rules of society. But let’s face it those are grey areas- left up to interpretation.
Which brings me to submission and obedience and how I interpret the difference or their symbiotic relationship within our D/s dynamic. When I brought Dd to Barney, I had it in my mind that he would set those rules and I would obey them- or face physical consequences. I can’t honestly say I am a spanko, but the idea of his authority over me did and does have a great, positive effect. Well, it didn’t really turn out that way in the beginning. And as frustrating as that was at the time, I am now so grateful it didn’t.
While B was trying to figure out this entire Dd- D/s thing, I figured out myself ( sort of, let’s be honest that will always be an ongoing process). I learned what it meant to submit without being obedient. Not that I wasn’t obedient, but there was not a great deal of things I was required to obey for the first few years. He would imply things he prefered and I would ‘jump’ on the opportunity to submit to it. If I did not there would be no consequence- other than my disappointment in passing it by. During that time however, I rarely did miss the opportunity.
I would be out and out lying if I told you I wasn’t disappointed that the obey or else aspect was lacking in our dynamic. Or at least the tone of that. Let’s face it there is an erotic vibe that comes from knowing deep down that there will be a consequence to our action or in action – if you are a submissive wife by choice that is. At least in theory – the reality can be quite different when it is time to ‘pay’.
The required obedience in our case is where the power exchange comes into play. To me it is that very exchange that has the erotic charge. Knowing I will be held accountable for his rules, and expectations is what brings me to him. The observation and maintaining of my obedience by B is key to my submission. For me it brings authenticity to our dynamic. It is what sets our dynamic a part from play. It allows me the freedom to know that my submission is paramount to B. It proves to me that B wants me to be submissive and in turn wants me to be ME.
My submission is second nature to me. In fact for the most part I talk myself OUT of being submissive when I feel we are ‘off’ ( yeah, I know makes absolutely NO sense). When I feel my obedience to his rules and expectations are expected but he is not willing to fortify that thought through action, I tend to close up. I tend to let my submissive heartset be gagged. I tell myself, ‘ it doesn’t matter’. Yet it does. If not to B at the time, to me.
When I chose to not be submissive, anticipate his needs and act upon my instincts I create my own barrier between us. I shut down my authentic self, often telling myself it is safer to do so. When I do we return to parallel lives. I continue to obey what I should but I do not allow that to permeate my inner core and this does not allow me to live my life to the fullest. By not living my life to the fullest in this aspect we cannot connect the way we should.
Obedience to me is an outward action- much like the quote states. I can go through the motions and to the naked eye all is well in our dynamic. To the experienced eye, the heart, it is hollow. Sure things do get done, words are respectful but the deep connection to self and each other tends to be lacking. Often it takes B a while to pick up on this. Another cannot always see what is in your heart. And to me that is the difference between submission and obedience, submission is from the heart. I can be told to clean the toilet (lame example) and obey, or I can be told and submit. The action is not important. I could be told to service my husband and obey – detached, holding a part of me back, unwilling to feel what I know is there- or I could submit and give to him heart and soul while ‘servicing’. The act regardless of what it is, becomes pleasurable to the heart because it is an opportunity to submit and exchange power by doing so, as opposed to just going through the motions. The act becomes about what HE wants and fulfilling that as opposed to truly being about me, which in all honesty ends up fulfilling me because of that fact.
Confusing isn’t it? LOL. For me his required obedience now maintains a level of my submission that is at its core most basic and perhaps primal. It isn’t what drives me forward, I do that. I own my submission. It does however help cultivate my submission. His required obedience of me proves to me that ttwd and the exchange of power within it is important. From there I can be free to bask and grow in my submission, knowing it is accepted by him and therefore removing all fear and barriers I create in my head/heart to be me.
I have discovered, our relationship works best when my obedience and submission are working together. It works best when it is symbiotic. When they don’t, well the obedience is generally key to get me back to where I need to be. There is a lot to be said for going through the motions (at times) until I am back on track. As for B, I have observed, when we are not on track my submission is required not long after my obedience to get him where he needs to be. He is no longer ‘the untrained’ eye, and obedience can only get him so far without him feeling my heart is in it too.
On a more personal, potentially self involved level, I have felt most free, when my submission is strongest regardless of demanded obedience- this happened about 3 or 4 years into our dynamic. Once B started to demand more of me ( yet didn’t always follow through if I messed up) , my submission took off in ways I didn’t believe it could. Or perhaps to the outside world in ways they always saw, but it meant so much more to me internally.
So all this blah, blah, blah to really say: To me, the difference between obeying and submitting within the context of our dynamic is –
“The things I should do…..become…the things I WANT to do”
And now something a little lighter. Years ago in another dimension I had a blog. I would often post daily and my friends began to see the change in us. One change was how B spoke to me. At the time when I read the comments on my posts I couldn’t get over how the women were impressed by something B said. I would then go back and read my post with a detached view. On” paper” his words DID come across as very Domly! This was back before he embraced his role, and was just establishing his footing. At the time, I appreciated the words but the impact on me was not the same as it was on those who read my blog, because print doesn’t take into account the vibe of the situation. The reader often fills it in. ” They are my words, but what you do with them when you hear ( or in this case read) them is up to you.”
I thought I’d illustrate how print and reality can be very different. This is not meant to be disrespectful of our dynamic. Some may think after I’m a horrible sub, but this is reality ( at times) and I know for a fact I’m not the only one who experiences these situations 😉
B has implemented several rituals and routines over the years. A lot of them are things, for whatever reason he just likes. Do they put me in a submissive mindset? Not necessarily, but they are important to continue and expect or that can have a negative effect. What can I say, we’re complicated and often contradictory in our thoughts and feelings, us subs. We don’t find it any less confusing than Doms. Lol
Expectation:
I am to have his coffee set up in a very specific way, (his actual text ,though formating is messed up)
“take out coffee machine and place on counter 6 inches from right edge of stove top – water filled to 4 cups water mark, coffee added, machine plugged in and started (815 am today), push back coffee machine so it is under the over-hanging microwave shelf. – set a clean coffee cup of my liking in front and just to the right of the machine. – place a 10% cream container just to the right of the coffee cup. – place a small plate with spoon directly in front of the cream container. – set a sugar dispenser in front and just to the left of the coffee machine. – after brewing is stopped, wait 2 minutes and then pour coffee to 1 inch from the top of the cup. – add 2 level spoonfuls of sugar, add cream so that the coffee is more of a dark cream colour than a light cream colour. Stir continually when adding the cream.Serve the coffee to me on a place mat on the island, do not take your attention away from me until I have taken a sip and responded.”
Sounds so anal, and direct. And it is.
This is often the vibe and reality
I could expand on the why’s, late nights, long hours, allergies…all of which are appreciated. Regardless, many days this is the realty .
*****
Often he takes his coffee into the living room. I am to sit at his feet for at least his first cup while we discuss whatever it is he feels important…
The reality often
Our beagle believes it’s game on when I am on the floor. Also we have 2 other adults in the house, so I’m not running around in a G-string
When B showers , I am expected to be in position ( knees shoulder width apart, hands splayed on my outer thighs, head down, eyes closed). Oh the gentil sub!
Reality. In the bathroom …sometimes one eye pops open and the housewife appears. ” Damn how did that get dusty so fast? I really have to clean the apron of the tub” and sometimes she even reaches back for a square of toilet paper to clean it then! Or her eyes slam shut again but her mind obsesses over it. That is if she isn’t already thinking of her grocery list while in position. Now, to be fair some days B will say something from behind the shower curtain, knowing what I’m like. ”Those eyes better be shut” or ” This is not the time to clean”….ooops
I am also expected to dry him off after he’s done showering
And then often wait while he shaves
The reality
We own a townhouse and are actually good friends with the people on either side of us. For the most part we cannot hear each other, but some sounds do travel. In addition we have 2 of our young adult children living with us.
“Go upstairs …NOW! “
Reality…
I could probably go on, but I’m sure you get the picture
I wrote this post several years ago on my old blog. I decided to share it so those who don’t know us might get a glimpse of where we came from before our Covid crash. This particular post was a day where the stars appeared to align. ( I refer to B as Dexter because about 2 years into our dynamic I ended up with contact dermatitis on my back end. Since that time my skin remains very susceptible to bleeding. It doesn’t hurt any more than it would normally and I don’t scar. It’s just a regular occurrence here now).
The Beating, The Beautiful and The Beast.
I was in a different mental space before the punishment even began. Barney told me to go down into our storage/laundry room, strip and wait. This is pretty standard procedure here. I knew I was getting punished and then he was going to reset. The latter having been pushed aside over the summer, sadly the former had not. When I went into what I refer to as the back room, I saw his/my? cuffs dangling from the rafters. Okay this was new. Immediately I thought of my arm, ( I have tendinitis and I am very wary of doing things that might give me set backs). I had to evaluate in my own head/heart what my actually feelings were concerning this. Deciding that I was probably being fearful yet the possibility of trying to use that as a cover for control, I opted to just go with it. After all if I couldn’t manage any longer my husband would release me.
I don’t recall his demeanor when he came in. I suppose that would indicate that he wasn’t much different than he normally is. He was all business strapping my arms up and my ankles, shoulder width a part, ( that is typical as I have a tendency to flip up my feet~ yes the soles have been caned because of it, but damn, I’m not good at remembering in the moment). Being restrained, even if the main reason is for safety has an effect on my mindset and my control, as I am sure it does for many. Truthfully I could unhook my ‘cuffs’with little difficulty, with the flick of my thumbs, but it is the symbolism more than anything
Barney started wailing on me, with what I assumed was one of his canes. I fair much better if I don’t know what he is going to use. I have a tendency to see, absorb and then control my pain because I know what is coming. I KNOW, so not the point. I am a work in progress when it comes to embracing it. Before I continue, I should point out for those who haven’t been here since the beginning, I am a bit of a bleeder. It isn’t that I am seriously injured, it is just that I have two spots the size of dimes on either cheek that tend to always bleed. They heal so you see nothing, yet they are right back again with more impact. They actually don’t hurt at all. Though the blood running down my leg CAN be a bit of a distraction, for ME no He did the usual spiel about why I was there and how he was tired of it…etc… etc. I am not being dismissive, just illustrating that it wasn’t out of the ordinary. I on the other hand was not reacting the way I normally do. I have a couple of classic Willie responses, remorse being the IDEAL one, the other is anger. The anger is mostly due to the pain. He is very fond of traveling down my legs during any kind of spanking. He claims it is due to lack of real estate. While I think that is sweet, I know it is just because he is MEAN…LOL . This day he was very close to the back of my knees. You know the part where those cordy things are? I will admit any other day I would have probably freaked! This day, I said, ” please be careful of…” Anger never entered the picture, um nor did remorse, but never mind that..LOL
(insert more lecture/beating/and dabbing of primary blood source with wipes….)
He then moved on to his reset. Canes (thankfully) are not generally used during resets. Don’t breathe a sigh of relief for me however~ he changes implements but the reset isn’t any less severe than the punishment physically. As the reset began I became even more aware of myself. I began trying to concentrate on what was happening, my body, my pain, his words (though that can be difficult). I had just taken a shower, and my hair was still dripping. My body was sweating,more like glistening…(always the lady). I could feel the water and or sweat running down my back, into my cleft. I could also feel the blood running down my legs, but you know, not as peaceful of a sensation, so I tried to ignore that. My arms long since forgotten. I was relaxing yet feeling the impact. I wasn’t drifting away, nor was I even thinking about subspace. I wouldn’t have made it there in all likelihood as every once and a while he’d land a strike that had my eyes bugging out and my breath being sucked in. Gone was the moving around. I was suspended, not literally. I was weightless. In that moment for whatever reason, instead of the snorting beast I can normally feel like during a ‘beating’, I felt beautiful. I can’t explain why, but I did
It was during this time that Barney began to speak to me. He began saying things I never thought my husband would say, so much so I never even consciously WISHED he’d say them. He told me I was beautiful restrained like that before him. He told me he not only wants my submission, he needs it, he desires it. It allows him to be who he truly is. (Now under any other circumstance, I would have said/thought ‘come again? Who are you?’ or I would have cried). I just took this all in with the sensations that were going on. Not sure why I feel I should mention this, but I wasn’t feeling sexual at all (though that has happened countless times after a reset). I was feeling very sensual however~ and for a woman who is about as sensual as Sally Field that is saying a lot!
I was not entering subspace. I will admit to dancing around it I believe, but there was no let down because I didn’t enter it. In that moment I was existing, but living all at the same time. I was no longer there for me and my mindset, I was there for him. Truthfully I didn’t ever believe that day would come. My submission would have been rated at its all time high that day, and it didn’t mentally or emotionally cost me a thing.
Concerned about the speed in which the blood was flowing, Barney informed me that he would have to switch back to the cane. I slowly shook my head, in a pleading manner. He agreed. The cane might have changed everything that day, or maybe not. I do associate it with punishments (though they are not the exclusive implement for that, it only shows up during those times).
He unhooked me, wrapped me in a robe and held me. Truthfully he held me up.
This is where my mind became very confused. I knew I hadn’t entered subspace, yet the similarities were shockingly there. Something I had never experienced before, without subspace. I began to wonder in my mind if I was constructing my responses and they were not genuine.
I was once high on mushrooms with a group of friends in my early 20s. Because I was apparently the runt of the litter that night I was only given half of what everyone else took. They were completely ‘gone’ . I had the ability that night to embrace being high but I could also try and concentrate on staying sober-like having a foot in both worlds. This is how I can best describe that day. I decided to focus on the high.
Barney carried me upstairs, sounds so romantic doesn’t it? Sorry ladies, fairy tale illusions about to be shattered,I was over his shoulder. He placed me on the bathroom floor and for some reason turned me around so my back was to the vanity mirror. For a brief second I was ‘sober’. In my head I heard my voice yell ” Oh My GOD! You look like an extreme photo from Fetlife!” I said in my head, because I was no where near ready or able to actually use my voice. He then left me there with instructions because he had to clean up his area before anyone came home.
I started to shiver. Slowly I walked toward the tub and began to fill it. Even slower still I eased myself down. All the while I was questioning my reality. I sat there in a now slightly orange tinted tub of water, noticing the copper smell of blood. I questioned how I could I not be a masochist, if I felt such calmness after all of that? Thoughts came and left my head quickly, yet slowly. I know that doesn’t make sense.
My eyes felt huge, and I felt very childlike….vulnerable,
yet ….yet…. I don’t know the right word. I felt unearthed. I felt free, though not over the top.
I .
just.
was.
…and it was magnificent
Barney returned and helped me into bed. I can’t say I was exhausted like I normally am after a ‘beating’. I was , but I wasn’t. My voice had yet to return, so I just lay there for a while. I am unsure if I fell asleep.
Much later we went out, walking was extremely difficult. However it wasn’t the worst I have ever looked, after I was cleaned up that is. That shot nearer to the back of my knees was VERY prominent, yet no where near where I thought it would be.
The next day I had to ask Barney some questions. I wanted, no needed to know how he felt about the day before. He again expressed concern about the speed in which the blood was streaming yet it wasn’t enough to stop him. He told me he didn’t preplan saying any of those things. I could tell because he has a tendency to sound rote when he pre plans. He informed me it came from the heart. He said he saw that I was ‘in the zone’ and he quite easily could have joined me ‘in that zone’ yet he was too afraid to embrace that for fear of me becoming hurt. Again words I never thought in a million years I would hear from my husband, and an experience I never dreamed of having, or even desired I suppose, beyond curiosity.
I expressed to him that I was concerned. He knew right away what I was referring to ( another first of sorts). He assured me that he knew I would be needing more. I have often said I can’t be cut off could turkey after something intense. I need to be weaned off or let down gently. He told me it wasn’t going to happen this time. Well life does have a tendency to get in the way. I am fine with dealing with that, provided once the interruption subsides, we are RIGHT back on track.
A few days later he said to me, while his experience was obviously different than mine, and he had tried to project himself into my feelings, he didn’t think he really understood, until that day. He said he felt his version of a drop, but not the way I most likely did. He then gave me a mini reset. This time he said it was every bit as much for him as it was for me. He reassured me that he had me and he wasn’t going to coast.
Have things been clear sailing since then? Not exactly. I think the connection from the previous reset casts a huge shadow over us. I am NOT expecting to experience that every time, however the fear of what is to come and where we will end up after because of our experience is VERY real.
I was profoundly moved by the words Barney said that day. Physicality not withstanding, I ended up in a different place because of those words. Part of me believes that I put more weight and significance on that day than he does. Of course this is causing all sorts of needless insecurity on my part. Naturally I am going to place more weight on the experience than he did. He was expressing what he already felt and knew. I was the one who was enlightened that day not him. He accepted who he is, and I was ‘blindsided’ in a good way by it. That day will forever be etched in my mind, and not because of my endorphin induced ‘coma’. For him the gradual and painful process of accepting who he is was spoken out loud that day, but it wasn’t a shocking experience because he had long since known.
I have contemplated writing this post of a couple of weeks now. First off I was unsure how write my experience down in a way that gave it justice. (I am still unsure if I managed that.) In the end there seemed to be more reasons to write as opposed to not. A large reason to share was a few of you. Many of you have followed along with our adventure since the very start, or close to it. Many of you have also experienced the insecurity of wondering when or if your husband will ever feel comfortable in his ‘role’ (though I hate that terminology in this case). I can’t guarantee that it will ever happen, but I wanted to share with you that it could very well. Trust me when I tell you we were on the brink of ruin not that long ago, Barney and I. I felt lost and I didn’t truly believe he had it in him to ‘find’ me, or even want to search for me. He did.
Another reason I decided to attempt this post was for the few of you I have talked to about your changing dynamics. As you know we started out under the very large umbrella known as Dd. Actually for years I said we were Dd lite. Never in a million years would I have pictured myself, my needs, or my relationship where it currently is now. Nor do I have any preconceived notions of what tomorrow will bring, aside from struggle. That is almost a guarantee! lol I understand when you feel like you are not Dd , you are not D/s, you are not BSDM yet you are ALL of those things too. And that is okay. I like to think of it as a buffet. Take what you want from whatever appeals to you, and maybe try something new. If you don’t like it, leave it. Just make sure you have enough on your plate to feel satisfied. And if tomorrow you decide that maybe you should have tried the sauteed greens, go back an get them. Nothing is written in stone, as we are forever changing.
Perhaps the biggest reason for me writing this post was for Barney and myself. I needed Barney to be brought in, as best he could. I also needed to write this so next week,next month potentially next year, I can remember where I was…after I am somewhere else.
*Fellow blogging friends at the time encouraged me to write this post because of their transition as well.That is the reason for the last few paragraphs. I just decided to leave them in here.
At the time B was in a push- pull relationship with the idea that he liked to cause me pain. I was the one who asked for a change in our marriage and he ‘complied’. He struggled with many aspects during his growth to what he refers to as his darkness within ( so dramatic 😉). He did and still does struggle with coming to terms with something he didn’t recognize about himself. What further complicated things at the time of his discovery was the area of blogland we were in. Many were so supportive , but hardly anyone wrote about the things we were going through. He felt somewhat wrong because of it for a long time. But I won’t speak for him. All I do have to say is thank God for true friends because I was able to comprehend that his need to hurt me wasn’t personal and my willingness didn’t mean I was a masochist ( not that there is anything wrong with being a masochist).
She had laid down her armour for she no longer believed she needed it.
She began to accept love
She felt seen
She felt understood
While she felt vulnerable, she felt an inner strength and resolve she once believed she was not capable of.
She made room for emotions and gave them a voice
She dissected, pondered and processed
She dove deep within herself
She took risks
She began to look at the world not with her eyes, but with her heart- an open heart
She began to believe in magic
She saw the mythical world existed, if you were willing to let it in
She enveloped the natural world; taking in the intricacies of a single snowflake, embracing the healing powers of grass beneath her bare feet, allowing the waves to pull her worries out to sea, choosing to feel the heat of the sun despite the chill in the air
She let go of the trauma from her past
She allowed her sorrow to pour out of her, sometimes engulfing her in the process
It wasn’t easy for her
She had to learn to trust, over and over again
She has to learn to pause
To breathe
To wait
To reimagine
To rebuild
….to let go
It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it
She began to live her authentic self.
She began to embrace HER
Her excitement for life grew, despite hardships surrounding her
She felt her life had purpose, beyond the titles bestowed upon her
She felt something new, perhaps pride?
The pieces of her finally fit together-no longer fragments scattered about
She grew to understand others better
She embraced the empathy she was always capable of,but hesitated to show
She embraced herself, warts and all
..yet she never stop trying to grow
She was still far from perfect, nor was life around her. But she felt more whole than she had ever before in her life
Years ago I opened this blog, as a secondary one. At the time I suspected a great deal of drama surrounding me and my old blog, which I began writing on in 2012. Sadly it turns out I was not wrong. Opening this blog under WordPress, at the time seemed like a safer option. Anyway this blog certainly is missing substance of any kind, which is probably another reason I abandoned it, along with the feeling I needed to disappear for a while due to the unbelievable nastiness of bloggers who no longer exist. Perhaps some day I will write about that, though that would no doubt be a long and self serving post.
I am not sure what will become of this blog as I am so out of practice writing, and now I have trust issues because of my experience. For now I may just share snippets of private journal entries or old posts of mine that had started good conversations in blogger. Dipping my toes in if you will.
The other day my phone journal sent me one of those “Here’s what your wrote X years ago” things. B used to give me several writing prompts a month. This was one of the questions he asked a long time ago. This was in a private journal, so don’t expect any wonderful grammer or fun photos to go along with the post. Lol
“The question….
What, in your opinion, is a more important characteristic to see from a Dominant and why.
Strength in following through to completion of a relationship goal even if their process is flawed – or –Flexibility to change the process to have a better chance of success for the relationship goal.
( * find this questions wording to be leading )
The answer
Definitely strength…by a LONG shot. At least in our situation. I can answer flexibility in others but I am assuming you don’t mean Dominants in general. The success of many things cannot be predicted and often though things might not turn out as envisioned, if handled properly growth may come in an unexpected area. I don’t mean to say that stubbornness and pigheadedness is remotely close to being the same as strength.
A Dominant has to have conviction to play out what they believe to be best. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. In a situation that could mean being flexible. But I have witnessed far too often a Dominant being swayed into being ‘flexible’ and no one wins. If it isn’t a major issue, I personally feel a Dominant being flexible causes far more of a long term detriment to the relationship than one who is not. Submissives generally want the security of knowing they cannot move their Dominant. Which is conflicting to both sides because they also want to be heard. The thing is being heard and then the Dominant still going with their decision is vastly different than the Dominant not hearing and making a conscious choice or hearing and being swayed more often than not.
A Dominant is called to lead. If a submissive can see they can change almost all situations by expressing a different opinion there is no real leadership there. It is a collaboration. While the ultimate goal is to have a better relationship and the submissive should have an impact on how that vision might look, as they are the ones who are impacted (no pun intended) by the actions of the Dominant, they cannot feel they can alter every situation under the guise of her Dominant being ‘flexible’.
Personally I feel more security in ‘tough we are doing it this way’ than, ‘well if you think it would work better for us…’. The latter seems like a victory , but that is only short term. The results with the former may be messy, but again that is only short term. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There will be a lot of messy places to go through, but the Dominant sets the course. Sure there will be some necessary detours, but too many causes the course to be confusing and not helpful.
How would each of these characteristics be perceived from a submissive perspective?
Just in case I didn’t answer that question in my long missive above, I will attempt to shorten my point here:
Strength is believability. It doesn’t mean always being right. It also doesn’t mean not having the ability to be flexible at times. But there is a difference between the strength of a concrete wall, a wall of a house and the wall of a bouncy castle.
A concrete wall will succumb to its own demise over time when elements wear it down. It cannot withstand everything as its weakness is being too rigid. The wall of a house is comprised of many materials. It is often able to withstand major structural issues because it is designed to absorb a varying type of elements thrown at it. A bouncy castle may be a fun wall to throw yourself against but it offers no security and over time one gets nauseated by it. Definitely not a wall that offers anything but a short term shelter- regardless of the immediate gratification.
Flexibility is an asset that is best used in small doses. It is viewed more of an asset if this is the case. When a Dom who isn’t often flexible decides to be so, it has far more meaning than one who is alway that way. Goes in line with the thought that yes means more if there are far more nos.”
Im not sure if I’ll keep doing this or eventually write again, but let’s start here and see how it goes.
The first time I had heard this ‘term’ it was said to me, in reference… to me. To this day, I am still unsure how it applies, to not only me but people in general. Before discovering the D/s realm, I didn’t ever think about submission. Many would argue I lived it a great deal of time, but I certainly didn’t think about it.
The term Natural Submissive tends to send many into a world of absolutes. One thing I have been aware of over the years is that when it comes to power exchanges, everything is or should be subjective. ( except that statement lol). How I submit is not the same another would. What one considers submission in their home, may very well just be Monday in mine.
I don’t think in a public forum I actually like the term Natural Submissive. For some reason it lends itself to some fictional hierarchy or stereo type that I see as negative for both. If you are classed as a Natural Submissive the dialogue around it from others who do not believe they are natural in submission tends to include phrases like, ” I am in independent thinker”, ” I am strong and opinionated”, ” I like my freedom”, ” My Dom values my opinion”. Sigh, I am not the one who identified me as a Natural Submissive, but I can tell you without a doubt, depending on the situation, I represent all of those phrases- and the one who first called me a Natural Submissive has experienced them all from me- first hand.
While I understand that most do not mean to undermine those who have been classified as ‘Natural Submissives’ it has an implication that if you believe you are not submissive and list all these traits about yourself, then a submissive cannot be these things.
I have also seen how some who declare themselves Natural Submissives, have a tendency to figuratively walk around with a giant S on their chest and a cape trailing behind them. Either that or they present as someone who feeds into the stereo type of, meek, quiet, self sacrificing ( in a way that has to be repetitively told to everyone) – perfect.
Labels can be helpful, until they are not. Do I think this one is helpful? No. At least not tossed around in forums and chatrooms without it being the topic of discussion. Did it help me when my friend informed me he viewed me as a Natural Submissive? I think over time it did. He didn’t word it exactly as that, though those two words did appear. LOL.
It helped because I could look at myself in hindsight and realize with our power exchange we was merely augmenting what was already there. I wasn’t morphing into someone different. I was allowing myself out. It also helped when I struggled because I could tell myself, ” Willie this is who you are not what you do. Stop being afraid and just do it.” Perhaps because someone else told me what they saw in me, it gave me the courage to explore without shame.
Would I classify myself as a natural submissive? I honestly don’t know. What I DO know, is I feel most free and complete when our life exists with the power exchange running through it. I often do ‘anticipate’ what B or anyone else needs or wants. I’m not sure that is submission. I feel like unless submission ‘costs me something’ it isn’t submission, it is just me.
What doesn’t help is one thought that can come with the term ‘natural’ – because you are wired a certain way everything involving that should be easy. I do think at the start I perhaps had an easier time than some with submission. Was it because not much was asked of me ?-possibly. But even as things became more concentrated, and challenging it still felt right. I still had wars within me though. I still had to take leaps of faith. Perhaps my reasons for these moments are different than others, but they were there nevertheless. I still had struggles and still do.
A while ago I was explaining, best I could, what it might mean to be a Natural Dominant. I find that subject as an observer far easier to explain than one which involves me and emotions, fears, expectations etc.. I removed the subjectiveness of potential character traits, and used the analogy of an athlete or artist if you’d prefer.
Our son was born with a natural talent in one area and a drive for perfection in most. His natural talent was an asset initially, but if he didn’t continue to practice, fail, try new ways to improve on his ‘natural’ talent he would have only gotten so far in life. What was impressive at one stage of life, became not as much as he branched out. He had to build upon his initial abilities, refine them, expand his horizons, otherwise he would remain stagnant . Submission and probably Dominance isn’t that different. I think we are drawn to these areas because we have an inclination initially. I think for some it feels like work to expand their horizons and depths to explore, and for others it is a work they enjoy so it doesn’t seem tedious but rewarding. I also believe that some have had an easier transition to power exchanges because of acceptance in themselves or by themselves from others long before the ‘formal’ start of any exchange. Maybe those who feel it is easier or have the drive to push on and not see it as tedious but fulfilling in multiple ways, can be considered to have a natural aptitude for their submission.
Again, would I say I am naturally submissive ? no. Mostly because I don’t sit and think of myself in that light. Yes I suppose you can obviously categorize me as submissive due to the life we have decided to attempt, I mean LIVE, but I don’t go around analyzing my submission any more, (outside of talking about it with like minded people periodically) Thank God. I just live my life. When I examine it, I find many things very easy to submit to. I do defer more than I do not….BUT I have to respect and trust those I defer to. I also question and argue at times, ultimately I suppose I submit. I will confess to feeling like a failure when I struggle to submit at times, maybe not in the emotional moment but soon after. I will also confess that there have been times for various reasons where I have talked myself OUT of submitting. In fact probably more times then having to talk myself into submitting.
B once said of me, ” You’re 100 % submissive 90% of the time” If these things deem me as a natural submissive in someone’s eyes so be it. I will also say that I am outspoken -given the right circumstances or you know, ‘inspiration’. I hold positions of minor ‘power’ in our community. I don’t like confrontation, but if need be it will happen. I like most of us I am complex, and confusing even to myself. I think sometimes when the term Natural Submissive comes out, people expect a door mat or a Stepford Wife. I’m not that. Though a swing dress is cute.
One of the key benefits of living D/s is acceptance. B expresses he requires certain things of me, that in turn proves he understands and accepts me for who I am. When he corrects me for not living up to those things, he shows me he will not tolerate me not being me. This is the greatest gift of this life. It allows me to accept myself because he accepts me and therefore I can feel free and unguarded with him and this allows our connection to deepen.
At this stage in our relationship the connection between us is all I really focus on. This connection is brought about greatly through our dynamic. As long as B sees me as me, a woman who happens to thrive in submission, both given to him and required by him, that is all that truly matters- here.
Things used to be different, very different around here. Despite what my husband believes I am not trying to romanticize the past. We have had our struggles within the context of D/s and we have had our struggles in so many other aspects of our lives as well- I suspect the latter, especially now, is more comment than not with many these days. So I bought a dating book.
Can I blame the pandemic? In part, perhaps a bigger part than I am willing to admit as I do not work outside of our home and B works directly with the public. Perhaps it is my ever fluctuating hormonal levels due to the slow transition into my father that has been occurring due to my age? But perhaps it is history repeating itself over and over again eroding trust and creating barriers that I had long thought were gone, or worse solidifying new ones for B? Of course the simple answer would be to just plow through, and there is definitely merit to that- a great deal of merit. However while plunging through may give instant results on the surface, the underlying issues that cause disconnect or confusion can still remain. I discovered long ago I need toknowwhy I react or feel a certain way about something. Trust me I truly wish I could just go with the flow and ride the wave to a better place not looking back- to me that seems most idealistic.
A little back story, years ago I used to be what I refer to as a ‘runner’. Sadly, not in the ACTUAL, physical sense. I would run from my emotions. I perfected it actually. When I was a kid and well into my teens, my eyes would well up at even the slightest hint of a a serious conversation, especially with my Dad. Anyway I won’t bore you with details, but tears were my deal, happy, angry, worried, relieved, everything but sadness for some odd reason. I trained myself to stop that. Insert ttwd and for the first couple of years all of those tears I trained myself to hide came pouring out. I know this isn’t unusual for those in the lifestyle. Emotions take on an entirely new life of their own once we start.
Eventually life evened out and not only did I embrace certain emotions I flourished because of them. It was during this time I wrote a post entitled Fear. I mention this post because in it I write about The Core Gift Theory and I find myself with a greater understanding of it’s premise now than I did before. While I wish I felt like I did when I wrote that post- in fact I’d give ANYTHING to feel that again, I know we have work to do in order for me to get there again.
I have a tendency to make my posts rather long so please forgive me for not explaining the above paragraph more and boldly suggesting you read it if you are curious so I can hopefully get to my point sooner- though no guarantees.
So why did I buy a dating book? You can never be too prepared for the future and it’s options. I’m kidding. I bought it because I reread my old post discussing my Core Gift and the bullseye theory. TheFearpost basically talks about how I feel when I’m on the bullseye which is a wonderful idea, but currently I am not there and the dating book discusses how or why we react to not being there. I needed to know and more importantly I think I needed B to know why I react to things the way I do. Initially I believe that is why I bought the book, but now I need to know why so that I can accept it and not feel ashamed. Let me see if I can explain a bit better.
The book I purchased after clicking along further on the Psychology Today blog when rereading my old post .I’m not saying necessarily that my Core Gift is my submission. I actually haven’t finished the book or the work that goes along with it to determine what my core ‘gifts’ are. What I can tell you is that through submission my core gifts, whatever they may be, are exposed.
What does this have to do with submission if I am not sure submission it’s self is my core gift? It has to do with how I react when my submission is brought to the surface. A quote that resonated with me was,
“our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts“
( I’m too many years out of school to cite this reference, or numerous ones coming properly so forgive me plagiarism police).
When I am feeling like I am moving toward my submissive self in anyway, I can also feel the most hurt if something happens to pull me back from that direction. I could argue that it should take me a long time to feel that deep hurt if I am longing to go into that direction, and for years it really did. I set my track to my core and did everything and anything to try to keep my mind and heart focused on that area. But life has a way of wearing you down at times and sadly I can say I haven’t been as resilient as I had hoped lately.
Along with things within our house that toyed with my journey, I would say that other things have played a huge part. The book goes on to discuss how when we are in or near our Core, we attract like minded people and they are drawn to us as we are to them. In a submissive context I can most certainly say this was without a doubt true for me.
I used to believe that my submissive/Dom friends augmented our dynamic through discussion when our dynamic slowed or struggled, and in part that is true, however I now view it differently. Those relationships more augmented menot my dynamic. Their acceptance of my authentic self, not one I presented to others but who I really was, helped me stay closer to that self. And I know the reverse was also true. It was more than just believing in me when I couldn’t, it was feeling me when I became too afraid to feel and wanted to run to the outer circles away from my core.
” When someone recognizes our gifts, those gifts are given licence to come alive, to become generous, expressive and brave. The truth is, we need each other in order to grow- learn”( pg 9)
I still have these friendships, it has just ‘been a year’ for everyone. The conversations and revelations have been far different due to many distractions and lack of emotional energy because of them. So a deep part of me feels like it has been on pause ( again why I became interested in this book to begin with).
What is it that I need B to understand, and what do I need to acknowledge so I can push past and recreate? There is another zone outside of my core, Ken Page calls this The Zone of Protection. He goes on to say that while being in or closer to our core, we often ‘set up shop’ here. It is a place where we can feel the heat of our core, but not be burned by it. I’d definitely say I have been setting up shop here more and more over the past year, but thankfully haven’t moved into the furthest zone from my core. Page explains:
“When our core gifts are touched, our reactions have a greater charge than usual, we may feel deeply inspired, highly emotional or surprisingly hurt”
And as a result to being surprisingly hurt or highly emotional I leave my core area or my approaching journey toward it, usually by way of distancing followed by some sort of meltdown (I’m not proud, just honest )
“In your relationships, you may become prone to becoming angry or distant, when you feel wounded around your Core Gifts. When you feel inspiration, validation, and acceptance around them you will shine”( pg 38)
I feel a sense of loss when my submission is engaged, and step 2 tends to be missing, or timely.
I shall give an example as opposed to just quoting this entire book. Not too long ago B decided to use ice as a way for me to engage my submission. He placed it in the usual spots, and it burned (not all sexual spots by the way) and then for whatever reason, he ran it all over my face, and lips. Again this was not a sexual thing. For some reason, at the time unknown to me it deeply affected me. When I start to become engaged in a significant way toward my submission, or my defenses/walls come down for those who don’t identify with the word, I tend to go very quiet for a while especially later. B ,out of frustration not long after brought up how I was ‘not reacting’ to him. He did not remember that as contradictory as it may be, me not reacting is actually me reacting in a very significant way. I felt crushed for many reasons. Prior to his comment, I had so many things inside I needed to share and wanted to talk to him about- why it seemed so odd for me and what I had discovered. Instead, that vanished. The thoughts were there but the feeling of giving every last aspect of myself over to him was gone.
” Core Gifts are often things we are ashamed of – try to fix or hide”
“Also the place we love from most fully”
…and THIS
“most of us have had minor or major “car crashes” around our gifts, because our deepest immaturities and greatest points of dysfunction usually surround these gifts. Without a good deal of hard work, we will keep making the same two basic mistakes around our Core Gifts: suppressing them or acting out (expressing them in ways that are harmful to ourselves and others) in connection with them. Whenever a gift hasn’t had a chance to mature, there will be a lack of grace in the way we express it, usually shown in behavior that is overly aggressive or unnecessarily timid.
“Our tears are a great gift because they reveal what matters most to us”
My take away from this is that my closing up isn’t a complete failure to accessing my core it is a sign that we are definitely on our way there, it is just that pushing on has stopped. I have to relearn some of my responses and trust that things will be fine despite what I feel in that moment. I have to push aside the fear and the insecurity and stop distancing and moving away from my core. It is far different now than it was years ago when I first wrote my post on Fear. Back then I had been in the centre of the bullseye and stayed very close to it. Sometimes it is worse to dip your toes in the water and then be pushed back up on shore. The same must be true for B. There was a time he stood solid where he was, even if he believed it was briefly- we differ in our memories here.
The solution? To acknowledge why it happens, when it happens but more importantly to try to stay in the good zone mentally and emotionally longer and longer each time. Ken Page claims,
” These moments are more than merely moments, they actually portals” going on to say the more time we enter them the more our ability…”
I often look back, as I’m sure many do, at how wonderful an experience was for me, due to where I felt after. Sadly sometimes, almost like a sub drop, I crashed after and exploded eventually revealing the complete opposite to B. His take away then became that complete opposite not the amazing transformation occurring within me- and perhaps diminishing or rewriting his own experience. Those are times I sincerely regret and hope that we can learn to adjust to in the future.
We have been discussing this in segments as there is a lot to digest while working with this book. If you are curious the book is called
Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and called Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy
B and willie 